Castle Paradox

[Moogle1]

I'm really unsatisfied with this one. Comments follow story.

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Part 1

Timothy nervously adjusted his glasses, which had slid down his nose when he had stopped to tie his shoelace. Derek was probably five yards ahead, but five yards in the carnival crowd was enough distance to shake someone, and of the dozens of legs surrounding Timothy, the ones belonging to adults didn't give someone Timothy's size much attention. Not that Derek was trying to lose Timothy -- but not that he'd mind if that happened either. Timothy made his way through the leg-maze as best he could, getting pushed more often than he ended up pushing. The legs belonging to Derek stopped suddenly when Timothy caught up, causing the two children to collide.

Derek turned his head, then, seeing no one, looked down. "Hey, watch where you're going," he sneered. Derek was only two years older than Timothy, but Derek had no desire to be seen hanging around with a ten-year-old.

"Sorry," stammered Timothy. "Where are we going?" He dodged another pair of legs.

"I don't care. I can't believe I'm stuck here with you all day." Only a few hours, thought Timothy, but he was wiser than to contradict his brother.

"Can we go bumper cars?"

Derek scoffed. "That's a stupid idea." He examined his surroundings in an attempt to come up with anything else, as long as it wasn't Timothy's idea. A purple tent with a colorful sign caught his eye. "Wanna know your future? Let's get our fortunes told."

No, Timothy thought. But at least this had less potential for humiliation than the "test your strength" game, where the boothkeeper had eventually taken pity on him and applied a hefty foot to augment his pitiful hammer swing. This would have been fine, except Derek wasn't a complete idiot and he noticed it from the beginning. Timothy was easy enough to pick on without the boothkeeper's intervention, and he ended up resenting the older man as well as his brother.

More pushing and weaving found Timothy in the old gypsy's tent. It stank of incense, and though Timothy couldn't see a fog machine or bubbly dry ice cauldron, a soupy fog made him suspect one or the other was present. But most of the tent was occupied by a round table with a generous velvet tablecloth, littered with tarot cards and prominently adorned with a large crystal ball atop an ornate bronze stand. Two generously-padded ottomans sat next to the table near the entrance to the tent.

"Sit," a voice commanded, and Timothy's eyes were drawn to a colorfully-clothed woman whose was more wrinkle than skin. She was erect and her arms raised theatrically. Had she been there before? No, that was a silly thing to think. She must have been hiding behind the table. "I am Pxargorina."

Timothy noticed that Derek was already seated. Uneasily, Timothy occupied the seat on the left. He wondered quietly if his apprehension was due to the old woman and her tent or just the anticipation of how Derek would make it miserable for him. Slowly, Pxargorina eased herself into her own seat, which was invisible behind the large table.

"We want--" Derek began, but Pxargorina interrupted him with a sharp shush.

"I have seen your coming," she intoned. "I have dreamed of your arrival. I will tap into your mystic energies and divine the truth behind these visions." She swept a trembling hand broadly across the table, then back again, stopping in front of Derek. "You."

"Yeah." Derek grinned. Oh no, thought Timothy. Here it starts. He lowered his head timidly.

"A great decision awaits you. Choose well and great fortune will follow. Choose poorly and you will reap only misery."

Derek scowled. He didn't say anything, but Timothy could tell Derek thought this was a waste of time. It wasn't clear if the gypsy noticed anything.

"You," Pxargorina repeated. Facing forward again, Timothy was startled to see Pxargorina's trembling hand pointed straight at him. He said nothing. There was an unsettling silence, then Pxargorina gasped. "Oh!"

She clutched her outstreched hand to her chest and started groaning loudly. Her other hand seized the table and she lurched to the left. Suddenly, the groaning stopped. She painfully lifted her head to look at Timothy and in a low voice uttered a single word: "Murderer." Having done this, she slumped to the ground.

Timothy and Derek jumped to their feet simultaneously. Derek pushed his way to the other side of the tent. Frozen with fear, Timothy watched as Derek bent down behind the table. He could see neither the old lady nor his brother from his vantage point, but stood breathlessly waiting for a head to bob up from the other side of the table. After several interminable seconds, Timothy propped himself up on the table for a better look. Derek was frantically attempting to check for a pulse.

"What happened?" asked Timothy.

Derek shook his head gravely. Slowly, he stood up and glared at his brother. "What did you do?"

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I think the real problem here is that I don't have any direction vis a vis the gypsy (whose name is lovingly stolen from the Hamster Republic website). Specifically, the story nosedives after this line:

"Yeah." Derek grinned. Oh no, thought Timothy. Here it starts. He lowered his head timidly.

I like the dynamic between the two brothers and I like the idea of the fortune teller, but the problem is I don't really have a solid story in mind. Maybe if I knew where this was headed, I'd like what I have better.

Blarg. Suggestions?
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Slime Salad :: Independent Game Design

[Bob the Hamster]

Interesting.

A lot of questions come to mind.

* Is she really dead?
* Is she faking to teach a lesson to Derek (who she has mystically detected deserves one?)
* Was she talking about Timothy inexplicably being HER murderer?
* Was she talking about Timothy having somehow murdered someone in the past?
* Was she talking about Timothy murdering someone in the future (and if so, is that future avertable?)
* Was she not really talking about Timothy at all?

And then I also wonder:
* Where are Derek and Timothy's parents? You don't need to explain in detail, but it might help to hint, especially if it sheds light on any of the questions above

Although it doesn't go anywhere yet, this is a nice seed. Something cool could grow from it.


Also: Pxargorina! I had totally forgotten about her!

[Moogle1]

I had considered all of those avenues and I'm not sure I'm satisfied with any of them.

Regarding their parents, the idea was that they had been dropped off at the fair for the day. Chapter 2 might begin with the car ride home, which would create the opportunity for more exploration of their family dynamic.

The more I think about it, that's what I enjoyed writing here. I feel like I hit a wall with Pxargorina, so maybe what I'll do is continue writing the story and maybe go back and touch up the ending to this chapter once I have a better idea where things are going.
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Slime Salad :: Independent Game Design

[Pepsi Ranger]

I actually like the idea of her playing with them. It would totally go against the grain of what fortune tellers are known for.

I was least happiest with the opening paragraph. While I think the narration should be told chaotically to make the reader feel the chaos of the carnival, I think it needs to do so with broken lines (and rapid-fire paragraphs). This could also enhance the older brother's angst.

Is this gonna be a novella or novel? Whether you truly make this Part 1 should depend on whether the fortune teller is really murdered before their eyes. If she's just screwing with them because she hates her job or whatever, then this needs to come a little later. If she is murdered, then that makes for a great opening, but also, ironically, makes for a less interesting fortune teller. This would be a good time to evaluate whether you want this as your opening.

I kinda agree with James about mentioning the parents for logic's sake, but I also think carnivals are set pieces for mystery and weirdness, and I think leaving the parents out just increases the mystery, so I kinda don't.

Decent start.

To find a story here, perhaps it's time to visualize scenes that attract you and arrange them into a storyboard. Then you can fill in the gaps with transitions, family dynamics, and all things plot-driven.
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Progress Report:

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