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Castle Paradox
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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 Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: An Axe to a Healthy Trunk |
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As some or many of you may know, eight years of work on The Adventures of Powerstick Man, both physically and conceptually, has spawned enough material for me to begin a series of novels surrounding the hero’s rise in the superhero community, his place as an alter ego in a land teetering on the edge of unrest, and his involvement in taking down a threatening force seeking to thrust the world into despotism. And while the series will ultimately span ten books, and undoubtedly leave me working on this character for another eight years, I'm proud to say that, as of two months ago, the first novel is finished.
So what now?
I have three members of the OHR community reading the novel behind the scenes. And I believe they're picking it apart. But I'm also desperate to have this thing agent-worthy by the end of the year, so I decided to share part, if not all of the novel with the rest of the community for basic feedback.
This doesn't mean those three behind-the-scenes readers are off the hook. I trust their full critiques and am still looking forward to hearing about how I went wrong in some areas through those PDF notations I've been told about. But I also think reading forums have their place, so I'm chancing that this forum will provide sufficient basic feedback (as in, no need to pick it apart; just tell me what you like and what you don't) so I can keep a steady stream of revisions coming.
Because I intend to shop this book around for representation and eventual sale, I will not leave the entire manuscript online for any length of time. Instead, I will share each chapter individually, wait a few days to a week for a response, and then replace the current chapter with the next one. Having said this, I'd like to encourage anyone interested in the story to check back as often as possible to keep up with progress.
I'll post new chapters for as long as I receive at least one critique for each. (Remember, the whole point of sharing this is to get feedback, so the posting is worthless if there is none.)
If you're coming to this story late and missed a few earlier chapters, send me a PM and I'll email you what you missed. Please note that I will only leave one chapter public at a time.
Once half the book has been posted (Chapter 18), I will no longer give out private catch-up emails.
If the critiques stop, the postings will also stop.
So, without further ado, here is the first chapter of the Modern Day Fantasy: Cannonball City.
Special thanks to The Mad Cacti for his very helpful Revision 2 critique. The following is the result of his advice.
Also note: this is a modified version of the chapter I included with The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Legendary Edition. The chapter that came with the game was part of the first revision and is now obsolete.
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Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 6:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for reading.
Due to zero response on Chapter 3, I will not be posting anymore chapters here.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Moogle1
Scourge of the Seas
Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner
Joined: 15 Jul 2004
Posts: 3377
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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--anyway, I'm not sure how useful you'll find my comments, but --
The names are distracting. Dr. Smack? Mythical Creature? Tropica Hardcore? I feel like there's a joke I'm not getting here somewhere.
Similarly, what's a guy named "Fisherman Steve" doing with the rest of them? And why is he always referred to as "Fisherman Steve" (see previous comment)?
This is just a pet peeve, but the Windows-style quotes (“†versus "") aren't widely supported. More importantly, it inserts the wrong one sometimes (as in "He won’t tell me, ‘cause he’s—look").
This structure: "The mayor massaged his temples. They were serving sushi tonight." The second sentence is completely without context and suggests that his temples were serving sushi. (There's a technical term for this type of construction that I'm sure you're better aware of than I and which I can't remember presently.)
The storytelling is good, but it's all setup so far and no execution (no surprise, it's chapter one). I'd guess the Mythical Creature is the bad guy in this story.
You're looking to publish this, I suppose? I ignored proofing issues because you didn't ask for them, but I can go through them if you'd like.
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | The names are distracting. Dr. Smack? Mythical Creature? Tropica Hardcore? I feel like there's a joke I'm not getting here somewhere. |
Nope, no joke. The character names are a little silly, but this is technically a fantasy story...sort of. Ocean liners are supposed to have those majestic names.
| Quote: | | Similarly, what's a guy named "Fisherman Steve" doing with the rest of them? And why is he always referred to as "Fisherman Steve" (see previous comment)? |
That's his superhero name. (It's actually what I called him in the game to give him some kind of identity and I just transferred the old identity to the story, but don't tell anyone.)
| Quote: | | This structure: "The mayor massaged his temples. They were serving sushi tonight." The second sentence is completely without context and suggests that his temples were serving sushi. (There's a technical term for this type of construction that I'm sure you're better aware of than I and which I can't remember presently.) |
I'm aware of it, but don't remember what it's called. Attribution or something. I don't know. Anyway, good catch. The line now reads "The restaurant was serving sushi tonight."
| Quote: | | The storytelling is good, but it's all setup so far and no execution (no surprise, it's chapter one). I'd guess the Mythical Creature is the bad guy in this story. |
It makes me happy that you said that about the Creature. It means the middle chapters may actually offer some suspense. Awesome.
TMC also felt the story doesn't actually start until Chapter 2, which almost leads me to believe I should do away with Chapter 1 completely, except that much of the story's future suspense would crumble if I did that, so I won't. I think my main concern with this chapter is whether or not it'll get you eager for the next chapter.
| Quote: | | You're looking to publish this, I suppose? I ignored proofing issues because you didn't ask for them, but I can go through them if you'd like. |
While I'm still not asking for them, I also never turn down an invitation for others to proofread, as every mistake I miss still needs to be fixed. You're welcome to point out as much or as few as you find (but I'm still not asking for it).
Thanks for the comments. Once discussion on this chapter subsides (and if you're reading this and haven't commented yet, please do), I'll post Chapter 2.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Bob the Hamster
OHRRPGCE Developer
Joined: 22 Feb 2003
Posts: 2526
Location: Hamster Republic (Southern California Enclave)
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| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:37 am Post subject: |
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I need to read more :)
I'll weigh in with more later (and I'll e-mail you). I just wanted to say now that I think the name "Dr. Smack" is Awesome. C'mon Moogle1, just try saying it out loud. it rolls of the tongue. Dr. Smack. Dr. Smack. DR SMACK!
Maybe I will name my firstborn son "Doctor Smack Paige"... hmmm ...and Genevieve would KILL me.... |
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Calehay
...yeah.
Class B Minstrel
Joined: 07 Jul 2004
Posts: 549
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| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:02 pm Post subject: |
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I can't give you any technical comments, but I enjoyed reading this. There are a few sentences that I found to be a bit clumsy, however:
| Quote: | | His sheer size threatened small children and intimidated grown men, but the mystery of his past somehow secured hope in each of them. |
I find using "threatened" there a little strange.
| Quote: | | Classical music of Eighteenth Century origin danced from his surround sound speakers, reverberating off each stone along the artificial stream. |
Why not just say "Eighteenth Century classical music?" It seems like some of this portion is purposely written in a semi high-brow fashion, but I think this sentence is just strange. Maybe it can refer to a specific dance (Minuet, Gavotte, etc.) to help with mood your trying to create. Or maybe a more almost far too drawn out explanation of what the music is doing, whilst it, in reality, is just verbose generalizations.
I don't know, perhaps I'm not quite sure what you're trying to accomplish.
| Quote: | | The crescendo of the symphony playing in his living room nearly shattered the sliding glass door. |
"The crescendo of the symphony" makes this sentence feel awkward. If you object to "crescendoed," (Colloquial, but not proper English) you might try rephrasing the sentence, or even remove the word crescendo all together. ("The orchestra came to a climax, nearly shattering the sliding glass door.")
But like I say, I don't really know much about writing, so most of my comments are probably worthless.
All I can say without a doubt is that this is definitely an interesting beginning.
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Calehay |
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Uncommon
His legend will never die
Joined: 10 Mar 2003
Posts: 2503
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| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Calehay wrote: | | Quote: | | The crescendo of the symphony playing in his living room nearly shattered the sliding glass door. |
"The crescendo of the symphony" makes this sentence feel awkward. If you object to "crescendoed," (Colloquial, but not proper English) you might try rephrasing the sentence, or even remove the word crescendo all together. ("The orchestra came to a climax, nearly shattering the sliding glass door.") |
How about "The orchestra hit a crescendo..."? I think that sounds better.
I still need to read this and I'm sorry I haven't! |
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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You guys are making some great finds. Thanks.
| Quote: | | I'll weigh in with more later (and I'll e-mail you). I just wanted to say now that I think the name "Dr. Smack" is Awesome. C'mon Moogle1, just try saying it out loud. it rolls of the tongue. Dr. Smack. Dr. Smack. DR SMACK! |
Thanks for the first annotated file. I can see that you really like Dr. Smack's name. Believe it or not, that was the first word in the first textbox I wrote in the game, and the name actually came from an undocumented newbie trick I was guilty of the first night I started making it, which was to name the first NPC after the first attack I gave the hero. And it stuck. So when this book becomes a cultural phenomenon (and it will happen, so you all just suck in your guts and enjoy the ride 'cause some of you are going into the acknowledgements section and will become a part of history--unless of course I'm tooting my own horn, but we'll pretend I'm not), you'll know how one of its chief minor characters got his name.
And it'll remain "Dr. Smack," as I really like the name, too.
(The attack name, by the way, comes from The Rock and his "Smack Dab" speech from his wrestling days, so Dr. Smack is really, ultimately, the brainchild of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, though something tells me he's got more important things to be proud about than that.)
| Quote: | | Maybe I will name my firstborn son "Doctor Smack Paige"... hmmm ...and Genevieve would KILL me.... |
Well, yeah, at first. But she'll still love her child all the same (though, her feelings toward you might become slightly different).
| Quote: | | Quote: | | His sheer size threatened small children and intimidated grown men, but the mystery of his past somehow secured hope in each of them. |
I find using "threatened" there a little strange. |
Actually, I can see why you'd think that. The original intention was to suggest that he could easily step on a child, but I can see where that's vague at best. So now the word is "eclipsed." Thanks for pointing it out.
| Quote: | Why not just say "Eighteenth Century classical music?" It seems like some of this portion is purposely written in a semi high-brow fashion, but I think this sentence is just strange. Maybe it can refer to a specific dance (Minuet, Gavotte, etc.) to help with mood your trying to create. Or maybe a more almost far too drawn out explanation of what the music is doing, whilst it, in reality, is just verbose generalizations.
I don't know, perhaps I'm not quite sure what you're trying to accomplish. |
I was actually giving the reader some freedom to place his own idea of Eighteenth Century Classical music into the narration, but I can see where that might be too abstract, so I changed it Mozart. That's pretty much my vision of the scene anyway, so it all works. (And it shortens the sentence a bit, too, which is always nice).
I appreciate the other comments, too. I made more changes based on your finds. Thanks.
Also, after giving it some thought, I've decided to leave two (or maybe three) chapters up at a time to give stragglers and procrastinators a few extra days to catch up, while those eager to read the next installment can go ahead and start. So, I'm gonna leave Chapter 1 open for a few more days and post Chapter 2 in a new thread. And I'll wait a few more days to decide whether Chapter 3 will receive its own thread or replace Chapter 1. I think this will give everyone who wants to read (and comment--please comment) a chance to keep up.
One way or another, though, this one will be coming down soon, so if you're gonna read it, don't wait too long.
I'll be posting Chapter 2 shortly. Thanks for responding.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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If you have anything else to say about this chapter, do it now. I'll be taking it down this weekend.
Also, Chapter 3 is now up and Chapter 2 still hasn't received feedback. The plan is to replace this chapter with Chapter 4, but I won't do that until 2 and 3 get something useful. This thread will just be a placeholder if the other two don't have responses by then.
And just to clarify, Chapter 2 comes down next Tuesday and Chapter 3 next Thursday, whether they receive feedback or not.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Thursday has come and gone and no one commented on Chapter 3 (it was due to expire), so I guess the critiques stop there. Not entirely helpful, unfortunately, but I guess I was lucky to get at least two chapters evaluated.
In any case, Chapter 4 will come down this weekend and I will not be posting Chapter 5 or any chapter beyond that.
Thanks anyway.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Bob the Hamster
OHRRPGCE Developer
Joined: 22 Feb 2003
Posts: 2526
Location: Hamster Republic (Southern California Enclave)
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| Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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Gosh darn it. I remember when I was 9 years old, and I was reading a book this length every two or three days. I remember telling my grandpa that I wanted to read EVERY book (at which he scoffed, having a better understanding of how many books there actually are)
Now I'm 30, and I don't think I have finished reading a single book this entire year. I have only even started reading like 3 or 4, Cannonball City included.
*sigh*
Well, at least I guess I have a good idea for a New Years resolution :) |
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TMC
On the Verge of Insanity
Joined: 05 Apr 2003
Posts: 3240
Location: Matakana
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| Posted: Sun Dec 21, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: |
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The same thing here down to the numbers, except for not being 30, and never having been crazy enough to think of reading all books. I had planned to start reading through Tolkien's post humorously published LOTR mythos pieces, and even got out the Silmarillion, but never even opened it to the first page :(
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