Castle Paradox

[Chicken Ken]

My game's story is a time travel one called "Joe Schmoe's Journey Through Time and Space". Joe Schmoe (the hero) starts out in 2005, going to his friend John Doe's house for the weekend. After a few simple tasks, a disembodied ghost head says that the villain, Mr. Badguy, got one of the Magical Rocks of Time and Space and is using it for evil. He then tells Joe Schmoe that the other rock is inside the house somewhere. When Joe Schmoe finds it, he gets John Doe to join his party and goes onto the roof to talk to Jane Doe, John Doe's sister and Joe Schmoe's love interest. That's when our other villain, Lord Long Name (As he's called, because his real name takes up about 3 text box lines), appears and captures Jane Doe, saying that mortals like Joe Schmoe shouldn't have Magical Rocks of Time and Space. Joe Schmoe and John Doe then must travel in time to different eras performing tasks like defeating deranged chicken-headed swordsmen who join them afterward and winning a helping the dinosaurs win a rap battle with the meteor that is supposed to wipe them out.

Please give suggestions.

[LeRoy_Leo]

Who needs help with this story? Not you, my friend. If presented in an organized, not too rushed manner, this could be very entertaining. It's sort of a spoof/ mock up sort of story. I can tell you that a lot of people love these types of stories. So, chin up and be sure not to rush the content. Make sure there is plenty of supporting dialog to move this along at a steady pace while being sure not to say, example: "Joe Shmoe adds John Doe to the party! Jane Doe joins the party! Lord Longname captures Jane Doe! Oh no!" That's really rushing (and no one writes dialog that stupid). Even having Jane be captured after a couple dialog boxes is rushed. The best thing anyone can do in a story is build tension.

By the way, thanks for the spoilers. Do I still have to play this, or are there any plot twists that you haven't told us about yet...
_________________
Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "

[Ssalamanderr]

I have to disagree with Leroy in almost every way here. This story doesn't sound entertaining or funny. It sounds pointless. You've given us no reason to care about any of your characters. They're just names, and not even interesting ones. The plot is incohesive and meaningless. What is a rock of time and space? Why does Lord long name have a long name? Why are random people joining the party? Why does Jane Doe get captured? Why are you rapping with dinosaurs and fighting chicken headed people? What is the point?
_________________
Ssalamanderr's Journal!: http://www.livejournal.com/users/ssalamanderr/

Ukelele no good!

[Chicken Ken]

Ssalamanderr, do the terms "Summary" and "Not Finished" mean anything to you? I was just rushing so that I could type as much as I could before my computer class was over. The final product will be much more developed, but thanks for your suggestions. Now that school's over, I can answer a few of your questions that you asked since I'm not on a time limit:

What is a rock of time and space?
It is a magical rock created long ago by a council of elders to give themselves the ability to travel through time. They were hidden to prevent unworthy people from using them. Although this was pointless both because they were hidden in obvious places and because only elders or their relatives can use them without assisstance (Joe Schmoe needs to talk to an Elder's Ghost to use his Magical Rock of Time and Space).

Why does Lord Long Name have a long name?
Time Deities like Lord Long Name tend to have long names because they have power over time and can go back in time in order to make use of the time wasted saying their long names. Or, a better way to answer this question is with another question: Why is your name what it is?

Why are random people joining the party?
They aren't very random, really. So far, I've decided on 5 party members (Joe Schmoe included). Joe Schmoe starts the quest because a disembodied ghost head told him to, and we all know not to argue with disembodied ghost heads. John Doe joins for the thrill of adventure. One party member joins because you save her from a chicken-headed swordsman in the year 1213. And that Chicken-headed swordsman joins to get revenge against a sorceress who cursed him by enlarging his head to human head size and putting it onto the headless body of someone he killed. The other party member, a rapping dinosaur, joins you because you help him out-rap the meteor and save his people. I'll think of more party members later.

Why does Jane Doe get captured?
Lord Long Name is angered by Joe Schmoe for having a magical rock of time and space, so he punishes him by taking someone of value to him (As I mentioned in an earlier post, Joe Schmoe has a crush on Jane Doe), erasing her memory, and putting her in another time period.

Why are you rapping with dinosaurs and fighting chicken headed people?

Rapping with Dinosaurs: You get sent back to the dinosaur age the day before the meteor is about to make dinosaurs extinct. It turns out that the meteor is a rapper and will leave if the dinosaurs beat it in a rap battle. There is only one dinosaur who can rap, and although he is good he can't beat the meteor by himself. He asks you to help. Dinosaurs aren't the vicious monsters that everyone from the modern time period thinks they are, so you decide to help him.

Fighting chicken-headed people: You actually only fight one. He is very angry at the sorceress who cursed him (see "Why are random people joining the party?") and captures everyone who looks remotely like her. You end up getting hired to rescue the latest girl he captures.

What is the point?
The first goal you complete is to rescue Jane Doe. You must also follow Mr. Badguy through each era he visits (staying 1 step behind him the entire time until the end) and keep him from causing the time stream to change resulting in a horrible present/future time. You also want to get revenge against Lord Long Name and help your various party members achieve their personal goals.

LeRoy_Leo's question: Do I still have to play this, or are there any plot twists that you haven't told us about yet?

Whether or not you play this is up to you. You don't "have" to play anything. I only revealed the plotline of the game's first area and hinted at two others. And, as you most likely guessed, there are more than three areas in this game. And yes, there are plot twists along the way.

[Blue Pixel]

the only one i can think of is that in the future, they should rename france ROBOFRANCE 2000!!!.
_________________

[Ssalamanderr]

[SilentAngel]

I think Ssalamanderr said this best - a good game needs all (or certainly most) details fleshed out. To have the important details fleshed out, especially. You don't need to write a three page story about "why is his shirt red" or similar.

That being said, you need something that will grab a potential players' attention, make them find an answer to the question "Why should I play this game and not 'X'". You need an innovative way to get people to play it. Be it superb gameplay or a thought-provoking story, if it doesn't have this, it'll just be thrown into the pile of "Mediocre (or even terrible) Games"

A word of advice: Don't make too many party members with no purpose. It'll just make it look like they were thrown in to fill up space. You need to develop the current characters, and if necessary, introduce another character, but only if it fits in the story. Good luck with your game, and welcome to CP!
_________________
Current Projects:
Hikari no Senshi - Inperiaru Taisen: ~10% Complete
http://www.castleparadox.com/forum/download.php?game=392

Stepmania Online Stats:

Next song to pass on Stepmania: Paranoia Survivor Max (Heavy)
Next song to pass on DDR: MaxX Unlimited(Standard)