Castle Paradox

[Jjkaybomb]

Technically this is a fanfic of my 'book', but since it isn't published yet it is more technically just a story. But who cares: Part one of Weary, Apociliptic Backrounds. Oh, and I started this from scratch so there's no spell check.

The buildings rose around the young girl. She stared up at the empty buildings. They were so cold and unforgiving, so much that she pulled her dirty brown coat closer around her and hurried on, I had to be somewhere around these unforgiving holes of death.
She glanced in every window, but there was nothing but ruin. Would she ever find the safe house? She glanced in the dirty brown windows and saw nothing but bareness on the inside. Beggining to loose hope, she dropped to her knees, where was it? Where could she find it? A few tears rolled off her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. It was no use to feel sorry for herself. She forced herself to her feet and continued walking.
But it was not much further, she could feel it, she willed herself to keep moving. Only the safehouse had santuary she seeked. And she found it.
It was well hidden, not any different from the other dirt-smeared windows, but the movement beyond caught her eye that made her turn. People were rushing about in this building, it still had life.
She pushed open the door and it gave way under her fingers with a loud squealing sound, but noone inside seemed to care. The interior looked like a cross between a convenience store and a resteraunt. There were a few people inside, but no more than fifty. The girl approched the counter where a blond man was sitting.
"Um, Excuse me," she asked timidly, "But is this the safehouse?"
The man looked at her and smiled, "Yes, this is safehouse Aokoneko."
The girl removed her hood from her face to reveal her shimmering blue hair, deep violet eyes, and shimmering smile. The man behind the counter started to fill a glass with an effervesent liquid.
"My name is Coda," He said and pushed the glass towards the girl.
"I'm Konoha," she said shakily picking up the glass.
"Don'y worry, it's not alchohal," Coda said leaning against the counter casually.
"No...It's just that I can'y pay you..."
"Pay me?" He laughed, "Why would I take your money?" He got a little quieter, "That's the way it was before..." Then he snapped up like he remebered something, "Oh yeah, I have to take you to Master Enero!" Seeing her gaze, Coda started again, "He has to see all newcomers, just a tally of some sort. Once you're done with that drink follow me."

So, what do you think? Should I post the rest?
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[Flamer]

The sentence structure is very broken up, a bit repetitive on the object in the first paragraph.
and the..umm..."quantitive" figure of speech isn't consistent. Like, it describes the city being completely empty, then it says there are a "few" people of FIFTY. That's not really a few in a deserted city

sounds like an interesting story, but the names look incredibly complicated to pronounce, and that can get fustrating to the reader.
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If we were a pack of dogs, IM would be a grand Hound, CN would be a very ficious little pitball, and Giz...well, it doesn't matter breed he is, he'd still be a bitch
(no offense to anyone that was mentioned)

[Jjkaybomb]

Hard it is to pronounce names that look exactly like they sound! Geez, this must be the most average story ever for noone to respond for two days!
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[lethal255]

dialolugue could se a little work, and you could be a little less direct with detail. Other than that though it's pretty could. I'd like to see the next posts
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"what everyone went around calling you white stormy?"

"you mean, there's...a ...black stormy?"

"No"

[Camdog]

Watch out for repetition. "They were so cold and unforgiving, so much that she pulled her dirty brown coat closer around her and hurried on, I had to be somewhere around these unforgiving holes of death." You use unforgiving twice here. Also, " The girl removed her hood from her face to reveal her shimmering blue hair, deep violet eyes, and shimmering smile." Shimmering eyes and a shimmering smile? Try not to use the same adjective twice in a sentence, or even a paragraph. Really, repetition should be avoided throughout the entire story unless you're making a specific point with it. People will notice if you use the same words over an over, and if there's no reason, it's just going to look like sloppy writing.

Also, show, don't tell. Don't tell me she's beginning to lose hope, describe to me actions that indicate she's beginning to lose hope. Don't tell me the interior looks like a cross between a convenience store and a restaurant, show me what the interior looks like. Descriptions are much more interesting to read than explanations.

Finally, there were a couple moments that didn't really work for me. The part where she drops to her knees and sheds a tear seems a touch melodramatic to me. Don't go overboard with the emotions, or people will be laughing at your narrative, not empathizing with it. Also, when the man hands her the drink he reassures her that "it isn't alcohol." Why? Are lots of people worried about drinking alcohol? I mean, it seems like there are many other things that he would assume was bothering her, and it doesn't seem likely that he'd focus on the non-alcoholic nature of the beverage. (ie, he could laughingly say it won't hurt her, or something to that effect.)

The premise seems interesting. Work on the presentation and it could be good.

P.S. I know you mentioned that you didn't use a spell check, but you really should for every story you post. At best, it won't make a difference to the reader, but more likely the reader will like the story less for its misspellings. They break up the flow of the story and make the writing look amateurish. Spellchecking isn't hard in this day and age. Do it.

[Jjkaybomb]

I could have said a million things for this...............I hate giving spoilers so I can't respond to any of those! Except the repition and melodrama.

Yeah, this is what happens when you are doing two things at once and are forced to do them quick. I began to write my story here and would have finshed the entire first chapter (way longer post), except my parents told me to get off the internet in five munites. So I tried to wrap up a conversation with a friend and get something done here at the same time. No room for any revision or I would have caught some obvious mistakes.
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[LeRoy_Leo]

Ok cool. This story sounds interesting and quite unique as far as I am able to see. I mean, most people do what leads up to apocalypse and don't dwell on the aftermath. The planet explodes in most cases, but that's always unrealistic. You did well to keep things realistic. ‘Til next time, work on getting more information. When you get more time and inspiration, that is.

Also, some people are going to be busy with their Halloween games, so responses should be slow a lot of the time. Don't be offended.
Everything that could have been said, other than that which has been said, has been said. I can't think of anything else to say.

PS: If your parents met mine, they would become really good friends.
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Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "

[Jjkaybomb]

And now, a new problem arises: length.

On paper, this story is exceeding six chapters and is around a quarter of the way through. Should I give you the condensed version or not cause this is gonna get really long.

And as for what Leroy_Leo said, so am I, so am I.
_________________
A man once said to the Universe "Sir! I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "This does not create in me a sense of obigation."
~Stephen Crane

[Flamer]

type it into notepad, MSword or some other text editor. (doesn't have to be all at once)
save when you have to get off and continue to edit later on, then copy and paste it in as a message, if you want to do it that way

I probably won't read much of it until I finish my finals in a couple of weeks.
_________________
If we were a pack of dogs, IM would be a grand Hound, CN would be a very ficious little pitball, and Giz...well, it doesn't matter breed he is, he'd still be a bitch
(no offense to anyone that was mentioned)

[LeRoy_Leo]

What Flamer said. Also, you shouldn't worry about the length. Eggie wrote several very long posts in here a long time ago that were his story(ies). And when people got the time, they read them. You could probobly get away with it.

PS: Our parents would start some evil council or something. So, God forbid.
_________________
Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...

---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. "