Castle Paradox

[CyberneticDream]

this is a story im working on...the name is temporary for now since i came up with it just now. I will post the Prolouge...tell me what you think!


Prolouge:
The sound of howling wind was all you could hear on that day.So strong was the wind that it uncovered bones and corpses of animals that had been dead for decades. They were re-buried just as quickly as they were uncovered; the sand storm was raging non stop. In the mist of all this, a figure bent down, toiling furiously trying to repair something. Colonel Milton Malcolm of the U.S Marines looked up, wipped the sweat from his forehead while simultaneously sheilding his eyes from the blowing sand.
Not even the head gear he had been provided with was enough to fully protect him against such a storm.This was the whole reason his helecopter crashed; he couldn't see a thing. The two soldiers who were with him had gone scouting for water sources and he wasn't sure they would make it back to the crash site. He timidly looked at the radio. It seemed way too banged up and almost impossible to repair.But Milton had gotten out of tighter situations and was confident that this would be a breeze. All those long months of intense Marine training made him the warrior he is today.
Just then,a flash of light caught the corner of his eye. Through thick goggles, he turned and saw that sunlight was reflecting of an object, which he coudln't make out at the moment. Normally he would just shrug it off, but he started to feel a little strange. Somehow he was [i] drawn [i] to whatever it was; he had an uncontrollable urge to investigate. It was almost like instinct.Almost without hesitation he left the radio andmade his way throught the raging sand.
As he got closer, he saw that it was alot taller than he first thought. In fact, he noticed that part of it was buried; the unburied part towering over him. It was then to his suprise that the thing wasn't reflecting light at all. It was glowing; pulsing like a human heart. He was very apprehensive and wanted to turn back, but something inside him kept him moving. He was about 10 feet away when a beam shot out from the artifact, hitting Milton. He fell back, winded and confused. "What the hell" he thought to him self, his eyes shut. Just then there was an evil, shady voice in his head "Don't worry, you are in good hands now". Suddenly his eyes snapped open, and to his horror, a dark, hooded figure stood before him seemingly unfazed by all the blowing sand. He could not see the face but he didn't care; he wanted to get the hell outta there. Desperatly he tried to get up, but it felt as though his armes and legs were pinned down by a strong force. The figure hovered closer and closer to him, growing taller and taller. Milton coudn't move a muscle; he was paralysed, whether from the beam, the figure or just plain fear. Just as the figure loomed over him, Milton passed out...


sorry it wasn't very long, but it was just a prolouge. PLease post your opinions and thoughts about what i have posted. If you're confused about a certain part just tell me, although some things can only be revealed till later
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"i love ninjas with every part of my body (including my pee-pee.)" - realultimatepower.net

[Valiant Warrior]

Not bad, but the first thing I would change would be "Prolouge" it should be "Prologue".

What is the story for? Game, or just a story?

If it's just for a story, you might want to spice it up some, add some pizazz or whatever that is.

For example, your intro is "The sound of howling wind was all you could hear on that day."

That's pretty good, but you can make it better. One easy way to add variety is to avoid beginning sentences with articles, and instead begin it with verbs or such (there's name for that, I just don't remember what it is). An example:

Howling wind was all you could hear that day.

The words "the sound" aren't really needed since what we 'hear' is 'howling wind', we know it must be a sound.

Or make it fancy.

Howling wind shrieked over all, silencing all other sounds; hidden corpses, beneath the sands for decades, were revealed and re-buried from that same searing wind.

But your content is a good introduction, very mysterious. *cue Twilight zone music* Doo-doo-doo-doo...
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*VW has left the building*

[CyberneticDream]

thanx for the advice. You sound like my english teacher! (in a good way)

Im thinking of using it for a game but i have a ton of other ideas and im not sure which i should use.

thanks again! Ill work on improving my style.
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"i love ninjas with every part of my body (including my pee-pee.)" - realultimatepower.net

[junahu]