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Bastard.GUNS Transylvania vs. Camdog
Bastard.GUNS Transylvania Aw...  Our hero is so cute!
Rolling Stone
Download: 72 KB
Play Time: 1 hours and 0 minutes
Review # 3 for Camdog Aw... Our hero is so cute!
Them's Fightin' Words
    When you find a castle on sale for 500 bucks, you don't stop to ask questions, you BUY. You can sort through all the zombies, werewolves, and leaky faucets later.

In Bastard.GUNS Transylvania, you play HEROMAN (Polish name, maybe?), a fellow who finds himself in just such a situation.
    The black and white backdrops for the cutscenes were cute and well done. The enemy graphics are also nicely detailed, and I really dug the decidedly determined stance of HEROMAN.

The map graphics, on the other hand, were not so hot. I especially disliked the grass tiles, which were seriously griddy. However, the graphics were nice for the most part.
    The story is (intentionally) campy. You find a castle on sale for 500 bucks, you buy it, you clean out all the monsters living in the castle. Simple. Along the way, you discover the diary of a doctor who used to live in the castle, and from this you must figure out how to get rid of the monsters.

The diary is definitely the high point of the game. It's parodies the high-brow style of gothic horror classics like Dracula and Frankenstein (who, incidentally, both make appearances in the game). It's written by a fellow named Doctor Barravius, who fancies himself a genius, but remains blissfully unaware of the monster infestation his home. My favorite passage concerns the zombies in his front yard. I'll reproduce it here for your reading enjoyment.

"Later the same night, and I know this to be real for it woke me up and I couldn't fall back asleep afterwards, a group of sick looking ruffians came by my door scratching at it, demanding my "Delicious Brains". Obviously I do have delicious brains, I'm a genius, but I can't just offer them up to whoever demands them! I looked through my window and saw that the men were greenish and covered in scabs and sores, lepers perhaps? I'd have gone out and given them a thrashing, but I'm not much for fisticuffs and I'm a terrible shot with my pistol, all but the most practiced marksmen would surely be overwhelmed by their numbers!"

There you go. Parodied style, funny jokes, and a clue all rolled up into one. Bravo! The only issue I have is, why did I have to go to livejournal to read it? Couldn't it just as easily been put into the actual game? I'd much prefer that.

Unfortunately, the diary and brief introduction in the game is really all you get in the way of story. The rest of the text boxes are utilitarian in nature ("I'm going to kill you!"). However, the game is short enough for this to not be too much of a problem.
    As with all of the Bastard.GUNS games, the standard OHR battle engine is turned into a puzzle engine. Instead of building levels and equipping items that raise stats appropriately, the player must figure out the right sequence of actions with the right items to finish battles. Since this obviously wasn't the original purpose of the battle engine, a lot of hacking is needed to make it work, and the end result is often rather clunky (such as the trap with the name that spills over the edge of the screen). Also, the battle engine is pretty restrictive, so the puzzles are simplistic and easy. It's basically an exercise in selecting the right item (or getting the right character), and then using it on the right enemy. Not neccessarily a bad thing, but there's little room for growth with this model.

One thing that irked me is that there's no save in the game, and since chances are you won't do everything just right on the first try, that means you'll be doing some boring repetition. It isn't a huge deal since the game is short and the puzzles fly by when you know what to do, but it is annoying.
    See above.  
  Map Design
    Simple and straightforward. You'll never get lost, and that's fine for this game.  
    Not really an issue since it's just puzzles. No level-busting here!  
    I played through this at work, so no sound, but the end screen attributed some songs to Castlevania, so I assume the music works fine.
    Bastard.GUNS Transylvania, if for no other reason then the limited number of actions in the game, won't try your brain too much. Most of the time you spend playing will be fighting the zombies over again when you screw up and have to restart.

Still, it's not so easy that you won't think once, and the good doctor's journal is certainly worth a read. There are worse ways to spend your lunch hour.
Final Blows
    A worthy diversion, and a nice break from standard OHR gameplay. I wish more authors would produce these "short story" games, instead of trying to create epic masterpieces they'll never finish or trying to replicate commercial RPGs (which are all the same anyway).

There are a few flaws, sure, but they're minor. Unfortunately, there isn't quite enough here to be really mindblowing, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any fun.
What else would zombies talk about?

What else would zombies talk about?
Final Scores
Graphics: 6/10.0
Mostly good. A few crappy maptiles, but nothing that I couldn't get past.
Storyline: 7.5/10.0
Not too in depth, but pleasantly silly. Also, the journal made me laugh.
Gameplay: 6/10.0
A nice step away from the norm. Fairly easy, but not "hold down the spacebar" easy, at least.
Music: 1/10.0
Enjoyment: 6.5/10.0
Fun for an hour. Don't know if it'd be fun for much more than that, though.
Overall Grade: C+
Final Thoughts
    Short, sweet, and different than the standard OHR fare. Worth checking out.  

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