 |
Castle Paradox
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
Author |
Message |
8bit Clutcher of toes.

Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 110 Location: In the thoughts and dreams of all the world's children.
|
Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:12 am Post subject: The Adventures of Captain Can O'Corn |
|
|
The Tale of the Twisting Serpent
In my journeys I have come across many a foul beast, but none so foul as the Kahali Desert Snake, also known as the "Twisting Serpent." The people of the few tribes in the Kahali Desert treated the beast with the utmost respect, mainly out of fear. Many a tribesman succumbed to the creature's terrible venom and it was common practice to stay as far away from the beast's hunting grounds as possible.
There was one tribe, however, whose respect for the serpent went far beyond caution. The Sugahli tribe revered the Twisting Serpent to the point of worship. They created a shrine to honor the creature and once a year, during the unbearable dry season, they would send one of the tribesman into the creature's lair as a form of sacrifice. They believed the serpent held mystical powers and that this yearly sacrifice would bring about the beginning of the wet season. The other tribes, however, were not as convinced of the creature's powers as the Sugahli were. They looked upon the Sugahli with scorn and suspicion, not condoning their savage ways.
One year, it came to pass that the dry season was particularly brutal. Drought stretched far into what was supposed to be the wet season and as a result, all of the tribes of the Kahali Desert suffered great hardships. The Sugahli took the drought as a sign that the Twisting Serpent was angry and not pleased by that year's sacrifice. The Sugahli mystics performed a sacred ritual and divined that in order for the Serpent to be appeased, it would require a sacrifice from each and every tribe in the Kahali Desert. The chief of the Sugahli sent out raiding parties with instructions to kidnap one child from each of the surrounding tribes so that the sacrifice to the Twisting Serpent would be complete.
I just so happened to have arrived in the village of the Kotugen tribe on the very night that the raiding party of the Sugahli struck. I was looking for a guide to help me through the Kahali Desert. I had a shipment of exotic spices that were to be delivered to the distant land of Muldova and the only passage was right through the heart of the unforgiving desert. The Kotugen tribe was well known to me as I had dealt with them many times in the past and I was in the middle of negotiations with a merchant when a great uproar came from the village center. The merchant I was negotiating with turned and ran towards the commotion and I, not knowing what to make of all the ruckus, followed close behind.
A large crowd was forming a circle around a single man in the center of the village. He was shouting in the Kotugen tongue, which I could not understand. It was obvious, though, by the panicked manner in which he flailed his arms about and the hysteric inflection of his voice, that something was gravely wrong. A hushed and hurried murmur spread throughout the gathering crowd. I craned my neck in an attempt to see over the swarm of people in front of me.
From the far end of the circle, the sea of people began to part. The Kotugen chief made his way through the crowd towards the hysterical man in the center. When he finally reached him, he took hold of both of the man’s shoulders in an attempt to calm him. The crowd fell silent as the man began speaking to the chief. As the unintelligible (to me, at least) words came pouring out of the man’s mouth, the chief’s eyes continued to grow larger and larger, to the point where I was certain that they were going to pop right out of their sockets.
Suddenly, the man collapsed in a heap to the ground. Two of the on-looking villagers broke from the perimeter of the circle and rushed to his aid. The chief continued to stare blankly ahead of him, as still as if he were carved out of marble. I dared not blink for fear that the mere fluttering of my eyelashes would shatter the ensuing silence that was pressing around me.
To be continued... _________________ Peace and love. Peace and love. No more autographs. Peace and love. |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
Bob the Hamster OHRRPGCE Developer

Joined: 22 Feb 2003 Posts: 2526 Location: Hamster Republic (Southern California Enclave)
|
Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 7:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
Listening with interest |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
LeRoy_Leo Project manager Class S Minstrel

Joined: 24 Sep 2003 Posts: 2683 Location: The dead-center of your brain!
|
Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I like how you explained the background.
You used the word desert a lot. I suggest throwing in a few synonyms here and there to spice is up a bit. Wasteland, Waste, Badlands, or even use clever analogies. You'll have to think of your own.
The story has a strong composition so far. I love adventures like these.
Also the first person point of view works well with this sort of story.
I really wanted to pummel that damn Sugahli tribe for dragging the other tribes into their petty religious beliefs. _________________ Planning Project Blood Summons, an MMORPG which will incinerate all of the others with it's sheer brilliance...
---msw188 ---
"Seriously James, you keep rolling out the awesome like gingerbread men on a horror-movie assembly line. " |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group
|