|Do you like fanfiction?
|Yes, but not this one
||[ 1 ]
|Yes, but mine is better
||[ 1 ]
|No, but this is good
||[ 0 ]
||[ 3 ]
|Total Votes : 5
A Pink Tanuki
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Location: The Island of Koridai
|Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 2:57 pm Post subject: Lousy Fanfiction Thread
|I call this one The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog the Fanfic
Robots Nick: "I Dr. I Vote Robot Snake was using my Celebrants Sonic C Kent's Quashed Squad! Scratch! Grande! Get in here!"
Scratched: "You'll call DOS your aunt lean as?"
Rhonda: "Know what you want an?"
A Robot and Nick: "You are the Supersonic Siege and That The Skirt Around the Some of Our School, honor something. The goal destroyed that had taught I take so much."
(Exit scratch and a grounder.)
(Changes seem to a generic grove side. This is Emerald hills owned, by the way. Sonic the hedgehog is wearing a straw hat and a pair of overalls while standing next to the road. Tales is tales and years can be seen slightly sticking out of a bullish.
Enter a scratch and grounder.)
Grounder: "We're so dumb; Sonic always tricks Ellis."
(Scratch slaps a Grounder causing his had this its been around a few times.)
Scratched: "Shaw top got me. We're supposed to find sonic and squash him."
(Scratching Grounder pass buy Sonic. Grounder does a double take and goes to a hectic Aupersonic.)
Grounder: "Is the Neck with you doing."
Sonic the Hedgehog: "Abacan to be a farmer; annual fund for it!"
Grounder: "As, we are."
Scratched: "Stop talking to that farmer, dummy! We've got five Sonic so we can squash and!"
(Tails comes up behind the bushes.)
Tails: "What are we gonna do now, Sonic?"
(A Grounder stops to a sudden halt. He rushes back to Sonic and Hails. The pop acts as drill finger at Dale's.)
Grounder: "De, and your Tales! Can you tell me where Sonic is?"
(Tails whispers to Sonic "Uashed cartel and?")
(Change of scene back two Robotmakes EV a LAN. Robotic is sitting on his EZ chair. His huge Knowles and nephews and Ifonly approach it is.)
When Robots Nick: "White kids it's, Neighborly? I'm a BC dictator."
Snavely: "A rogue Dr. Robotmakes, we've successfully killed everything in Not Home. A French Fry Ali was only one that lasted more than two bands Atkins."
Dr. Robotmakes: "Lord shops and Ifonly, not get lost."
Snavely: "ES, cider."
(Exits and Ifonly up a.)
(Reenter Scratch and Grounder.)
(Scratch points and accuse a tutorial finger at Dr. Robot.)
Scratched: "Thank you can disguise herself off any longer, hedgehog!"
Grounder: "As, Sonic, wheel B fuel up this time!"
(Dr. Robotmakes slaps his forehead with his pols.)
(Change seemed to a giant signboard. Tales of rights "Sonics as" a knack. Sonics had pops out of a whole. Grabbing a paintbrush he replaces "says" it would "finance". Ssonic gives a thumbs up and winks.)
(Tails is sitting as his computer. All it goes on the scanner, and a Buehrle drawn picture of Mario up years on the screen. The mouse moves over to a cursor that says "submit". Tails clicks it.)
Grounder: "Bhutto two copyright infringement was buoyed. User dollar."
(Ssonic rushes up and smashes Grounder with a hammer, after it ended Tails the dow.)
Ssonic bit Edge Ball: "Tails! Delete that immediately! You could get a lawsuit!"
(Ssonic looks directly at the camera.)
Sonic the Hedgehog: "Remember, kids, it's OK to make fan made content for fun, but once you accept money for it it becomes serious business. Never takes for missions for fan base concepts. Otherwise you'll end up like this gap."
(Cut two Scratched in prison.)
Scratched: "Alway, never should've drawn that Master Chief rule 34. If I didn't have the paypal bought and, I wouldn't be in jail right now."
A Pink Tanuki
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Location: The Island of Koridai
|Posted: Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:32 pm Post subject:
|You guys do realize that you are not only welcome, but encouraged, to contribute?
This one was a serious attempt at storytelling, silly premise and odd source material notwithstanding.
Episode 1: Rene at the Speed of Sound
___The hot pink coyote stalked his way from delapidated building to decapitated building, trying desperately to avoid the security sensors.
___This city held so many memories; most of them good, but not for the past decade. It would be nine years ago in a month that this ghost of a town had fallen into the hands of invaders. A single tear rolled down his furry cheek.
___ There was no time for that now! He could mope when he got home...to Not Home. He had come here for a reason. Why didn't he bring any backup? It was probably his stupid care of others...again. Why didn't trust his friends to handle themselves?
___ Deftly, he jumped into a window. He heard a few cans knock into eachother in the alley--a bad sign. He held himself still, hoping the sensors didn't see the bright pink of his nearly unclad body against the dark, dull gray of his surroundings.
___ Fortunately, most machines don't see in color. Why would they need to? This city was theirs, and they had need neither for beauty nor for labels. Still, this canine couldn't help but feel awkward in his current situation.
___ Once the coast was clear, he ran with all the speed he could muster toward the old junkyard. It was now the factory in which his enemies were manufactured; atop it rested the austere, but somehow audacious, laboratory of his greatest foe.
___ Hastily, he rummaged through a pile of spare parts. His ears twitched in his excitement. Clang! He was making too much noise; it was too late for stealth. His only hope now was to find what he needed and rush out of Dodge as fast as he could.
___ There was a flash; the contents of the pile seemed to shift slightly in an instant. No time to dwell on that, he tossed a few gears and tubes in his pack and started running.
___ He ran though the door and down the street, two mechanical men following close behind. Dang, the fifty pounds of metal must have been slowing him down!
___ He dashed into an alley; it was a dead end. He hoped to heaven that would not be literal.
___ One of the robots lifted a hand. "Ra-Nay-Day-Lou-She-En You are the prime target. Surrender and die."
___ "NEVER!" Rene shouted, drawing his sword from its fleshy sheath in his back. Pointing it toward his foe, he yelled "You'll have to take me alive!"
___ "I was hoping he'd say that," the second robot said to the first. Turning its head, it said "Ra-Nay-Day-Lou-She-En, today you will be ours."
___ Robots with personalities? Rene almost choked on the hilarity of the obscene waste of time and energy that would need to be put into such a project.
___ Rene jabbed at the ankles of the first robot, but his sword barely scratched the paint. His instincts told him to duck the plasma balls coming for him, so he jumped instead.
___ "You grow sloppy with time, Ra-Nay. Your form is off today." It was the robot on the right, who batted him out of the air with its hand. He felt a distinct cracking as he hit into the wall.
___ Right. The parts. Dang, those things were killing his back!
___ Rene gasped once or twice, jumped back, and readied his sword for a spring attack. He lunged at the face plate of the robot that had just struck him.
___ It was a solid blow, and should have penetrated, but instead it glanced off. His hands were numb from the shock. A quick slap from the first robot and he was disarmed.
___ As he fell, he felt the weight of the junk he was carrying fall upon him. It really smarted.
___ The second bot grabbed him by the tail and started dragging him down the street, back toward the factory. He was now weakened and disarmed. It could take weeks to grow a new sword; and that was only if he could get enough calcium in his diet!
___ He said to himself "Think fast, Rene."
___ "NO FAST THINKING!" the other robot said, kicking him.
___ He whispered "Think smart, Rene."
___ "NO SMART THINKING!" it said, kicking him again. This time it knocked the wind out of him.
___ He could feel blood dripping out in places. Further, he could see the trail he was leaving as he was dragged along. He was weak enough to zonk out, but didn't do so.
___ "The master will be so proud of us," the robot dragging him said.
___ "Yeah," his kick-happy companion replied, "He just might give us a promotion. Or maybe even decide not to recycle us."
___ They looked exactly like all the other manufactured machine men that the professor had made, but they were smarter. And tougher.
___ "It was a great idea to pretend like we couldn't prononce his name right. I think it caused him to underestimate our tactical advantages."
___ "Indeed. Missing him with the gunshot made thrashing him with our own hands all the more satisfactory."
___ "Speaking of factories, here we are."
___ "Throw him in the cart; there'll be less friction that way."
___ Rene grunted as he hit the inside of the old shopping cart. How long ago was there shopping in here? His memory was getting hazy.
___ "While we're here, let's get a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, and a loaf of bread." This robot was fast becoming his least favorite.
___ Rene heard a clang, but his eyes were too tired to see what was going on. "We're robots, you dummy! We don't eat toast, even if it is French!"
___ "Oh yeah. I keep forgetting."
___ The more casual they became, the less alike their voices sounded. That, or he was just hazy from pain. And, oh, did he ever ache!
___ He felt the change in G-force from a high speed elevator starting. He felt, more sharply, the jump from it suddenly stopping. He thought he saw a white blur in the corner of his eye, but it was gone when he turned his head.
___ The doors slid open, but not completely. This lousy place was always in a state of misrepair, ever since the day the invaders came.
___ A blocky, bulky, some might even say burly, figure sat in a chair on the far side of the room. Impatiently, one metallic hand tapped the cold, hard armrest of its metallic chair.
___ A dull voice said "What have you brought me this time, you worthless droids?"
___ The one beside the cart said, in its crackingly high voice, "We've brought Rene the Coyote, you emminence."
___ Coughing, the shadowy figure stood up. A glint of blue could be seen from his right eye. "I'll believe that when I see it."
___ The cart moved toward the man as the man did toward to the cart. Rene thought he saw the white thing again, but it was gone.
___ The face of his old enemy bore down upon him. Reflexively, Rene reached for his bony sword; but it was gone. The bald-faced professor smirked, chuckled, and then coughed.
___ "It looks like your cockiness finally caught up wit you, dog. Robotomizing you will be all the more satisfying for your sixteen years of resistance."
___ Rene looked straight into his foe's eyes, one natural, the other bionic. His determination outweighed his confusion for a few seconds. He was going to say something smart, but coughed up blood instead.
___ The old man chuckled until he coughed again. "This is just too rich; you would have had your last words against me, but couldn't spit them out. Just as well; they would probably have been one of your unfunny puns or tiresome catchphrases anyway."
___ Waving to his slaves, Professor Deathbed said "Get him out of here before I give myself another heart attack."
___ A jet of white flame streamed through one of the robots, who quickly collapsed. Almost out of nowhere, the white shape appeared again.
___ This time it stayed long enough for Rene to see what it was: a woman. She was a white-haired wolfess. A little taller than him, but not as stout of build. By her nose and inner ears, he could tell that she was of the arctic sort; white on the outside, black underneath.
___ "GET HER, YOU DOLT!" The mad professor shouted, beating his chest. His black labcoat fluttered slightly, a sign that he was about to cast a spell.
___ She jumped over the cart, grabbed him around the middle, and started shoving him into her pouch all in one motion. He could feel her stress, and momentum, as she ran for the elevator while also trying to cram him into a space which, as an adult, he was not made to fit.
___ The screachy robot almost caught up with them as she hit the down button in the elevator. The door closed its hand off as it reached for them.
___ She kissed him on the lips, took off his backpack, and grunted as she tried to make him fit. He knew why when she pulled out a Warp Wing.
___ He felt some tension leave his body as she gave one final heave. Like a house, a tent, or a fridge, she was bigger on the inside than on the outside.
___ She whispered the secret password to the wing, which he couldn't see anymore. However, he had used one in the past, so he knew what would happen.
___ After a soft yellow glow, the sound of rushing air, and the smell of pine, they would be back in Not Home. Rene drifted off into sleep.
___ Curious things, the Warp Wings. They act as one-way teleports that bring a person to Not Home if he says the secret word. The clincher here being 'a person'; each one will only carry a single person, they take weeks to grow, they are consumed upon use, and there are never more than three at a given time.
___ It was a strange limitation, but you don't look a gift artefact in the mouth. There were many cases where lives had been saved by those things; this was only one of them.
___ Odd as its one-person rule was, the rule's exemption threw people of the rational sort into a real tizzy. It would bring anyone inside of the person it was warping.
___ For this reason, most raiding parties contained equal numbers of men and women. What the ladies lacked in weaponry, they made up for carrying capacity.
___ "He seems a lot softer than usual. Even smashing him with meat tenderizers for several hours shouldn't have weakened him this much." It was the white wolf who had saved him, he was sure of it. The voice sounded perfect for her.
___ Memories started flooding back. Had she really kissed him...on the LIPS? His ancestors hadn't moved from Ottawa to this new world for him to go around kissing stange women and hiding in their pouches!
___ Rene started shuffling, trying to climb out. His joints still ached. No fight had ever hurt him this badly before. At last, air! Light! He flopped out onto the floor.
___ Slowly, he opened his eyes. Yes, she was definitely smaller on the outside. Her pouch had been bigger than most sleeping bags when he was inside of it, but she was clearly smaller than he.
___ There was a shriek. "This can't be Rene!" It was his old friend, Muna Conejo. He turned, slowly. She was shaking with fear. "How could his hand have come back?"
___ Rene got to his knees. "What're you talkin' about, Muna? I've never lost a hand."
___ He turned to the one who had saved him. She was clearly exhausted, probably moreso than he. "Thanks, stranger," he said at length, "without you, I'd have been a goner."
She put her face in her paws and wept.
___ "How could you forget your own wife?!" Muna chode him.
___ Wait...sixteen years of resistance, tougher musculature, missing hand, wife...
___ Yes, he was definitely sent seven years into the future somehow. He felt so naked without his sword.
___ Standing up, he said in his formal French-Canadian accent "I am Rene d'Lucien, warrior of Not Home Resistance, aged twenty-two."
___ "Younger Rene," the rabbit pondered, "But then, what could have happened to the coyote we know and love?"
___ Professor Deathbed looked frantically over his security tapes. He wanted to know what had happened. His right eye flashed its blue flame of impatience once or twice.
___ "It doesn't make sense. I had him in my grasp, beaten to within 3.2 inches of his life, and still he managed to escape!"
___ Frustrated, he pounded the keyboard. The footage showed what had gone on in the factory 83 months and a week before. A gray blur rummaged through a pile of junk, then vanished.
___ "Europa!" he exclaimed, almost not dissatisfied for a second. He wheezed, and the usual tortured expression returned to his face.
___ He switched between the two days, flipping back and forth. "The stupid mongrel must have triggered some form of timeport. He vanishes one day, then reappears several years later, uninterrupted in his act of petty theft."
___ The mad scientist stroked his chin, and schemed.
___ It had been an hour since they had used the Warp Wing. His spine aching, Rene had given up on standing for the time being. Most of their problems had been straightened out by now, so they went (rather slowly) to the town gate.
___ When Deathbed and his gang had conquered the space colony Dodge, those who could fled to the forest. Their bodies were specially designed to survive in this climate, but their minds were used to the comfort and convienience of civilized life.
___ As they found one another, they eked out a living from the land, slowly building the village. They named it Not Home, to remind themselves that it was a temporary shelter, not a new settlement.
___ Rene was in his early teens at the time. He'd been going through upheavals of other sorts, and his weapon was just starting to grow in. Making matters worse, his parents were in the heart of the city when the takeover took place. His older brothers were front-line infantry in His Majesty's Royal Army. They had all either been killed, or worse, robotomized.
___ Muna awoke him from his musings. "You wanna say something?"
___ Turning to her, he said "What is there to say?"
___ The wolf (first name Bekah, maiden name d'Fuze) said demurely "He's not just stronger than you," Rene had to face her, "he's more gentle. You may be a gentleman, but he is a gentle man as well."
___ There was a knock at the gate, but before anyone could respond, the door flew open.
___ First, Rene saw the silhouette. It looked a lot like him, but subtly incongruous. The figure stepped forward.
___ "Did you miss me?" The voice was a little deeper than he'd expected. It was him, he was sure, but with a cowboy hat, a moustache, and a steel claw for his right hand. The confident smirk on his older face made Rene feel uncomfortable.
___ He wagged his finger at his wife "I told you to wait for me, Becky! We were gonna come back together."
___ "I saw you get thrashed and taken to the robot factory, so I grabbed you and came back here." she huffed. Her consternation was blaring.
___ The serious look on his face turned to a grin, then he laughed. "I was just yanking your chain," he said jovially, "I knew that you'd find my younger self sooner or later."
___ Muna, Becky, and Rene's jaws dropped simultaniously.
___ Over dinner, they talked up a storm. Stanislaus the Walrus made crayfish gumbo; it was exceptional. Clearly, seven years of practice had turned a good cook into a great one.
___ The older, more mature version of himself grated on Rene's nerves. "Am I really this annoying?" Rene accidentally asked himself aloud.
___ "Yes," he replied, winking, "doubtlessly."
___ "I feel sorry for everyone else having to put up with me, then."
___ His future wife put her hand on his shoulder, "Don't go about talking like that. It was your upbeat temperment that won my heart. You always made me laugh."
___ After a few rounds of shared anecdotes, a handful of top-heavy puns, and a pint of beer, conversation took another detour through Serious Lane.
___ It was Becky that steered them there. "How did you know I'd find your younger self?"
___ Elder Rene stroked his chin. "I wasn't quite sure until I failed to find him," he said, "because when I came here I was found by...me."
___ Future Rene explained, in a flashback, how when he had come to the future he was rescued from his opponent by his older self. The future Rene to him had a forlorn look always upon his face, one eye, and a completely mechanical right arm.
___ He had told his younger self of when he had procrastinated about saving a neighboring village in the mountains from attack; when he had arrived, he found most of the inhabitants dead. Among them, the prettiest woman he had ever seen.
___ That Rene lived the rest of his life in shame and depression, until he lost his wits in a fight that cost him his arm.
___ This Rene, taking a chance on futures being mutable, rushed to the mountain village on the day of the attack. He lost his hand in the fight, but saved a dozen lives.
___ "And as I lead them safely to Not Home," he reminisced, "I formally introduced myself to Becky. We had a whirlwind romance, and were wed within the season."
___ Muna sighed, "Six years ago; it was such a beautiful wedding."
___ Smiles shot around the table, as old friends shared happy memories. Rene felt the odd man out, despite knowing one of the trio and BEING another.
___ He thought about what it would be like to be married. He and she certainly seemed to be on very good terms with eachother. Inevitably, his thoughts turned to a related subject.
___ "If you've been married so long," he said awkwardly, "why don't I see any children?"
___ The other Rene's face sank. Becky looked away. Muna tried staring at the ceiling, floor, table, and walls in that order.
___ Sadness in his voice, the d'Lucien of the now eventually choked out, "I'll tell you in private...later."
___ Later in fact, he did indeed. Late in the evening, they stood behind his future home.
___ "I was reckless at the time," the bemoustached coyote said evenly, "and overly eager to share my life full of love with the love of my life."
___ "I don't see..."
___ Holding up a hand, the older cut the younger off, "She was full of fire..." he getsured incomprehensibly, "...Once a month, she can make a white flame, over nine thousand degrees hot, that burns for three seconds."
___ The younger coyote, rubbing a still-aching arm, nodded. "I saw that. She used it to save me."
___ "Well, when it's in full heat, a huge part of her will is needed to keep it under control."
___ Looking at his older self, Rene realized the last thing about him that was off: his pants. The warrior wore no pants.
___ Normally, men wore short pants of the same color as their fur. Those who worked a lot with their hands would wear gloves, those who walked in hostile environs wore shoes or boots. (Additionally, women wore shirts that covered their chests, leaving their pouches exposed.)
___ Detecting his own realization, the pantless swordsman of Canadian descent continued, "Yes. The night we were wed, we shared the love that our Creator had filled us with. We were on top of the world, but then we crashed,"
___ "And you burned." he finished for himself, sympathetically. He hugged himself, and cried in sync.
___ "Our relationship has been strained ever since. Our house feels so...empty."
___ Without any further words, they went inside and fell asleep.
___ Rene didn't know how to get home. His future self didn't know either, apparently. "They didn't tell me how it worked," he said, "because they were afraid I might start doing it on purpose. They did, however, indicate that only I could go through time with this method."
___ If he was going to make the future better, he would need to go back to the past. "Who was it that figured out how to send you?"
___ "Doctor Zebransky."
___ "Then let's get him on it."
___ "He died in this future. Someone else will need to figure out how to fix this."
___ The only other doctor in Not Home was Muna's dad, a cosmetic surgeon pulled out of retirement by the war and forced into general practice. An old, arthritic rabbit, his hearing was starting to go with his memory. The pain medication he was always prescribing himself had turned his naturally white fur purple.
___ It was to him that they turned first.
___ Polishing his glasses, he said distractedly "I remember, back in the summer of '33, I had a guy who wanted a long finger. I said 'what would you want a longer finger for?' and he said that he wanted to turn on his TV without getting up off of his couch. So in the end, I threw in the liposuction for free."
___ Muna said "Great, daddy, but can you check my friend out?"
___ "Eh, what's that? You want a red trout? Go fish."
___ "No, dad, inspect my friend."
___ "Reflect your hen? What kind of crazy slang you kids are coming up with nowadays!"
___ "DAD, LOOK AT MY FRIEND."
___ Rene and Rene walked in. Squinting, Dr. Conejo said "And now my vision's failing, too? Or am I going senile?"
___ Rene said "Neither. I'm from the past."
___ The old rabbit said "You can say that again. Why, if it wasn't for your childish pranks, we'd all get a good sight more sleep around here."
___ The two Renes looked at eachother, and the older one shrugged. The older said to the doctor "Remember that night six years ago? When my house burned down?"
___ "Who could forget a night like that?" the old man said, "Best patch job I ever did on such short notice. Everything still working okay?"
___ "See for yourself." the coyote said, pulling down his younger self's pants. Startled, Rene instinctively tried to cover himself. Muna looked away, covering her eyes.
___ A few minutes later, it dawned on the doctor. "Oh, I see. I never believed in time travel, still not sure if I do now. Are you sure you're not a clone?"
___ "The only guy with the technology to do that has a strong preference for machines. And, at any rate, you can't clone memories. I remember eight years ago you said that I had to watch my weight."
___ "I don't remember that," the doctor said, "but it was probably an uneventful visit, and you don't look like you're making it up. I guess I'll have to believe you."
___ The doctor poked and prodded with various diagnostic tools. His daughter watched, because she needed to know how to carry on the family business. It was too bad that she hadn't taken an interest ten years earlier.
___ At last, he said "I know what to do!" He jumped in the air and kicked his heels together. Rene heard a snap, a thump, and a crackle.
___ "Forget your age, doc?"
___ "Nah, forgot that I'd jumped."
___ Because there was little paper, the doctor had to keep his plan in his head. Because his memory was failing, he kept on losing it anyway.
___ After almost a week of starting and re-starting, they'd set up the catapault.
___ For the third time, the doctor explained the principal. Rolling his eyes, the coyote patiently listened again anyway.
___ "You see, when you were rummaging through the junk pile, you hit one of the old Powerizer devices. It must have had a little juice in it, because it charged your special hidden strength and warped you through time."
___ Rene, apparently, could make time the way Becky made fire. He just didn't have as much control or awareness of it.
___ "You still have some left in you. If we get you to break the sound barrier, you should go back in time."
___ The older Rene said "I think they did this to me when I was asleep. I woke up with my head in a knothole, one week before the time I'd left."
___ "I've got better aim than Zebransky did," the old man said "so you should land on the queen's roof."
___ Turning to the couple, Rene said "I wish I could do something to help you. I empathize with your troubles."
___ Muna said "Actually, you could..." but was interrupted by Becky cutting the line with a handy knife. Rene flew through the air and disappeared in a flash.
___ "Not anymore, he can't." the wolfess said, dropping the knife and turning to her mate, "I love you even as you are, and wouldn't hurt you in the past for a little pleasure in the present. Kiss me, you fool!"
___ Rene didn't say anything, he just kissed her. It was just like doing it for the first time all over again. He didn't even mention that he hadn't figured out whatever the two women had; he just kept on kissing.
___ Streaks of yellow light flew past Rene. For some reason, sparkles were flying off of him. He heard the ticking of a clock.
___ He saw a river. He heard a voice inside of his head say "This river is Time. Most drift through it, unaware of its current. Most wise enough to notice rarely have the strength to resist its flow."
___ "You can swim upstream, and slow time down. You can swim downstream, speeding it up. Three times in your life, you can get out and walk along its edge to actually skip one way or the other."
___ The river seemed to be stopped right now. Rene swam to the bank and climbed out. "I've gotta go back." he said, "Back to the past. Let this time be my first."
___ Taking fourtteen paces upstream, the voice indicated that this was his stop, so he jumped in. The stream started flowing again; he was afraid that he might drown, but kept reminding himself that the water was a metaphor.
___ The dull river was replaced with the familiar sights and smells of Not Home.
___ Oh, and he hurt again. A catapault had just launched him onto the queen's roof, after all. Pains in his bones that he'd thought healed over the past subjective week returned with a vengeance.
___ "What's all that racket?" It was the young queen Triantifillia, a red fox, and leader of Not Home. As much as she wanted to be known as a princess, she was the only known survivor of Dodge's royal family, making her the de facto leader.
___ "Sorry, your highness. I just got down from a lousy trip."
___ She looked up, and saw his face hanging over the edge. "Rene?! When you didn't come back from your trip to Dodge, we'd naturally assumed the worst..."
___ They'd missed him? That couldn't be good. "How long have I been gone?"
___ Puzzled, she answered "About a week, maybe ten days."
___ "Ah, glad I didn't miss by too much." he said, relieved.
___ He grabbed the edge of the roof and swung in through her window.
___ "Did you actually get the parts?" She asked, impatiently.
___ Rene dropped his backpack on the floor, and started going through it. At length, he said "Most of them. I got a little cocky, and wound up having to run from some guardroids."
___ She rolled her eyes. Coming across some papers, he said "Well, what have we here? It looks like some notes were slipped into my pack when I wasn't looking."
___ "Notes," she said, curiously, "what kind of notes?"
___ "They're from Doctor Zebransky."
___ Arms crossed, she said "He makes a lot of those. What makes these significant?"
___ Handing one to her, he said "This one has tomorrow's date on it."
___ Her jaw dropped. Rene dumped the pack on her floor, put it back on, went down the stairs, out her door, and to his own house. There was a grin of satisfaction on his face.
Clutcher of toes.
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Location: In the thoughts and dreams of all the world's children.
|Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 3:04 pm Post subject:
|You're a jerk.
Peace and love. Peace and love. No more autographs. Peace and love.
A Pink Tanuki
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Location: The Island of Koridai
|Posted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 9:34 pm Post subject:
|I drew a picture of the hero from my previous post.
I think I just disturbed myself.
A Pink Tanuki
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Location: The Island of Koridai
|Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2010 3:47 pm Post subject:
|It was Japan that day.
With her long, blonde hair, Serena rolled her eyes and said "Gee, it sure is BOOOORing around here."
Her black cat, Luna, said "Serena, mah gal, this peace is what all true senshi strive four!"
Shrugging, Serena said "I just wonder what Queen Beryl is up to..."
Making a swish noise, Serena's boyfriend Darien jumped in through her window and said "Hey, meatball head! Queen Beryl and his minions have seized the highschool!"
Perplexed, Luna asked "How can we help?"
Darien said "It is written: 'Oh, crap! There's a fanfiction of us!'"
Stripping naked and glowing with all the colors of the rainbow, Serena put an identical outfit on, and a tiara. Wait, Serena is Sailor Moon's secret identity?! Why didn't anyone tell me this before?
Serena said "I think I'm a bad enough dude to handle it! Also, call me [s]Bunny[/s] Usagi!"
However, Bunny/Usagi is a stupid name for Serena so I won't call her that.
Sailor Moon went to highschool, and her only two friends aside from her cat and the girly-man [s]Tuxedo Mask[/s] Dairien were there already.
Sailor Mars said "The stupid artists forgot to color my hair red. How are people not supposed to know I'm Raye if my hair ain't red? Also, how become you've got top billing when I'm clearly the star?"
Sailor Mercury said "My hair is always blue, even when I'm a normal nerd type person."
A negaverse monster from the negaverse jumped out of a locker and jumped on them!
Throwing her tiara, Sailor Moon yelled "MOOON TEEA AAARRAAA MAAAAGIIIC!"
It killed the monster, but then Queen Beryl said "Now I know your secret identity, because you took off your disguise to attack my monster that attacked you!"
Raye said to Amy "Quick, what do the goggles say about Queen Beryl's power level?"
Looking through her blue goggles, Sailor Mercury said "The goggles! They do nothing!"
Holding out her hands like a gun, Sailor Mars yelled "MAAARGE FIIIIIIYA IGNIIIITE!"
A huge fireball flew out of her fingers and hit Queen Beryl [s]and she died[/s] and bounced off and hit Sailor Mars and she burned with fire.
"Noooooo! Not Raye!" Mercury cried in loudness.
Sailor Moon ran up to Queen Beryl and started kicking her like Chun Li [s]and she died[/s] but the kicks were useless. Queen Beryl threw a laugh at Sailor Moon and laughed, which knocked Serena into a wall.
Sailor Mercury played an air keytar and yelled "MEEEERCURY BUUUUUUBBLE BLAAAAST!"
A laser of bubbles came out of Sailor Mercury and hit Queen Beryl and made her clean and sparkly.
"AAARGH! Getting clean...my...one...weak...ness." the queen yelled, falling to the ground.
However, when Mercury walked over to her to kick her and make sure she was dead, she reached out a bony arm and squeezed her leg until she was dead.
"Oh, no!" [s]Usagi[/s] Serena Moon yelled looking at this in horror, "Now the friend I care about is dead, too!"
Getting up and laughing, Queen Beryl said "I don't like you, but you stupid Sailor Sentai are funny and stupid. You fall for the stupidest tricks I can make up, because you are stupid and not very bright."
Sailor Moon were hopping mad at this point, because on account of she thought she was the smartest. She grabbed her tiara and threw it a Queen Beryl yelling "MOOOOOO TEA ARRRAAAA MAGIIIIIIIC!"
The tiara bounced off Queen Beryl and she said "Aha, your attacks are useless!"
Then Darien came in and was wearing a tuxedo and a mask and he said "I am Tuxedo Mask and I will help you."
However, Tuxedo Mask's only ability was to throw roses on people, and while they're prickly, roses are ugly stupid overrated flowers that lack major flower power.
After Queen Beryl chased [s]Scooby and the gang[/s] Serena and Darien through the halls for several minutes, they stopped.
Queen Beryl said "Yuxedo mask, you are on my side now."
Shrugging, Darien said "Okay, call me Negamask." And the song 'I Am Negamask' by Shael Reilley started playing.
Looking [s]stupid[/s] betrayed, [s]Bunny[/s] Serena said "But Dairenxedo Mask, I thought I was your girlfriend because you were my boyfriend!"
Shaking his head, Evil!Darien said "I'm Queen Beryl's girlfriend now, girlfrand."
Then a squirrel rushed in from the playground of the highschool elementary and started glowing all the colors of the rainbow.
Suddenly, the squirrel was a man dressed like a sailor scout and he said "I am Sailor Sun."
"So there's a fourth sailor scout who isn't me, Sailor Earth?!" Evil!Darien said, in disbelief.
Nodding, Sailor Sun made the Kamehameha pose and yelled "SUUUUNSHINE FLOOOOOOOD EEEERASE!"
A huge laser came out of his hand with explosion and blew up both of the bad guys, Sailor Tuxedo Negamask and Queen Barrel.
One month later, Sailor Moon said to Sailor Sun "Thanks, you saved me!"
"I am the sun, and you are the moon," Sailor Sun said to Sailor Moon, "it's almost like we're made for eachother. But actually, I liked Mercury the most."
Remembering how many times Amy complained about a squirrel in her attic, Serena said "I guess that's why you were always so close to her."
Then Sailor Xena and Sailor Popeye, the Outer Planet Sailor Scouts, rushed in and said "Quick! There's a new badguy in town!"
"Here we go again!" Luna said, rolling her eyes.
A Pink Tanuki
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Location: The Island of Koridai
|Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2010 9:47 am Post subject:
|Episode 2: Rene Over the Mountain
___ A new day brought new hope; planet Nike's white sun shed its light on the forest fortress of Not Home. Another day, another ten hours of daylight to praise his and its Creator; another five meals; another ten hours of glorious darkness to sleep through. Rene was frothing with jubilation.
___ He'd been like this for the better part of a month, ever since his trip to the future. He knew now that Providence had provided a mate for him, he knew that acts of his own volition could shape the future for better or for worse, and he knew that some of the future Zebransky's notes were already making life all the sweeter in the village.
___ Feeling a rumbling in his innards, he grabbed his shovel and dashed into the forest. Indoor plumbing was an oft undervalued luxury of modern life; it was now, for Rene, a distant memory.
___ Just his luck; the ground was lousy with rubies.
___ Others had noticed a certain change in Rene's behavior since the time he disappeared. Most prominently, he never went into town alone.
___ The papers that he'd brought with him were notes from the resident mad scientist, clearly in written in his hand, clearly marked with future dates. In a month, Zebransky was saved seven years' worth of work.
___ This bright new day of Rene's was also one in which he had volunteered for kitchen duty. As they chopped some rather large florets of broccoli, his friend Stanislaus Walrus got to talking.
___ "Frenchie," said the walrus to the coyote, "I know all the symptoms. You got the Love Bug, bro."
___ Nodding, Rene chopped faster.
___ Smirking, Stan said "I think I know which girl, too. You oughtta get the bunny,"
___ Choking back a laugh, the coyote shook his head.
___ "No? She's your favorite color."
___ This was true; Rene had yellow gloves, yellow boots, and yellow bedding. He'd never mentally connected this with his friend, who just happened to have yellow fur.
___ Picking up a dropped knife, Rene jokingly used his French-Canadian accent to respond. "Bunnies are ze cuteness, but I 'ave fallen for what zhou call a 'hot chick'."
___ "A foxy lady?" queried the walrus.
___ "More of a bitch." said the coyote without thinking.
___ "Oh," said the walrus, winking, "I hear ya, bro." Stanislaus was thinking of the attractive, though abrasive, leader of their civilization, Queen Triantifillia.
___ Rene made quick work of some turnips; he couldn't remember ever chopping this quickly before.
___ His concentration was again interrupted. "The princess has a nice rack..." the jolly fat mammal said.
___ "...For those who enjoy such things." Rene responded. It was true, too. She felt that being royal obligated her to own at least one torture device and keep it in her basement, so she had a basement dug for her two-storey home and had a rack installed in it. "But I'm not the tortured type."
___ "The princess has big melons..." the walrus said. This, too, was true; in her yard, she gardened melons, some of which grew as large as her. Rene was chopping one up as he said this.
___ "True," the coyote said "But I don't care for the sweet stuff." His nose wrinkled at the smell of the honeydew as he finished portioning it.
___ "Her Majesty has a sizeable chest." Stan said, scratching one of the few hairless heads in Not Home.
___ "That holds nothing I want." Rene said. The chest was a sturdy box of cherry wood, full of gold, jewels, a beautiful gown, and two swords made of steel.
___ After all of these seemingly unrelated items had been mentioned, it dawned on Rene that his friend was being euphemistic. No stranger to this verbal danger, he decided to deal with this in his favorite manner.
___ With an even face, he turned to his friend and said in an even tone "The queen has large breasts, denoting a healthy, fertile body. That said, she's not the object of my twitterpation."
___ The walrus chef wasn't sure whether to scratch his head or facepalm, so he did both...while laughing.
___ Today was a new day; and it wasn't just ANY new day. Though there were no raids planned for a solid week on either side, he'd carefully packed his pack with provisions.
___ His sword had mostly grown back; its blade was now a cubit and a half long. Lethal, but not ideal for such a fencer as Rene d'Lucien.
___ The Sword Bone was just one of many things that made Zwarks different from their ancestors; for no readily apparent reason, and through no scientifically discernible process, their bodies had changed sharply within three generations of life on Nike.
___ The first change was actually rather reasonable; Nike was a heavy world, and so its people grew to be short and stout due to its strong gravity. The newschool cubit was the same length as the oldschool foot.
___ Second was the addition of fur, very useful for regulating body temperature on a planet as wildly temperate as Nike.
The same generation was changed further:
___ The third change seemed to exist only for some sort of aesthetic, as people grew faces and tails to match the forms of specific animals; this seemed to strike without any particular rhyme or reason, with species running within families.
___ The fourth change defied the sensibilities of social liberals, by assigning physical roles to the sexes outside of reproduction. Men grew swords, with which to fight; women grew pouches, in which to carry children.
___ The sword bone grew out of a man's lower back, with a fleshy sheath around it and a handle on the side of his dominant hand. The exact style of the blade varied from man to man; in Rene's case, it was a long, narrow thrusting sword. According to anatomists, it was modified from the floating rib: the only bone in the human body that grows back.
___ The pouch offended materialists as sharply as it did feminists, for not only did it reinforce the idea that women are meant to become mothers, it defied the laws of space and bulldozed several prevailing theories on the subject.
___ Each woman had a pouch; its capacity varied, roughly in proportion to her strength. However, a typical woman could accomidate a full-grown man and a full backpack, so long as she could squeeze them through the opening.
___ Today was a new day; and it wasn't just another day. The professor had caught wind of a settlement in the woods. It was to the southeast, in the mountains. He spent a full workweek building a special robot for the purpose of attacking the settlement.
___ He now tightened the final bolt; he would have smirked with his smug satisfaction, were his body not in such agony. Pressing the shiny button on its chest, he said "Come alive!" before coughing up something black and slimy.
___ Ripemov would have loved it, but he was gone; they were all gone. The robot was in the likeness of those detestible mongrels, much like those he had robotomized. However, it was full twice as tall, with a buzzsaw for one arm, a flamethrower for the other, and two microphones on its head.
___ It turned its head around in a complete circle and said "I am Briscoe. How may I serve you, master?" Briscoe! It had chosen a perfect name for itself.
___ "I am Professor-" he coughed, "Deathbed. I will give you the location of a village I want destroyed." Wheezing, Deathbed handed Briscoe a floppy disk.
___ The robot placed it in his mouth, made a noise, and spat it out. "It will be done or my name is not Briscoe, Professor."
___ Rene laced his boots up tight, pulled gloves over his hands, and slung on his backpack. On cue, someone in the watch tower sounded an alarm. Rene was already at the gate; he heard the report of Deathbed's forces marching into the woods.
___ He knew already that this force was not going southwest, to Not Home, but Southeast, to some other village; one which noone in present-day Not Home knew about. What was its name again?
___ "Where IS that man going in such a hurry?" the young queen said to herself, "And why was he already packed?"
___ Rene was in the nintieth percentiles for speed both and strength among all known Zwarks; living, there was none that could match his stamina. Even those that could beat his sprint couldn't hold it as long, and as such he was often out alone; it took great effort on his part to keep his friends with him.
___ Today he wasn't in the mood. The others might catch up eventually, but every second spent waiting for them was a second the machines could spend slaughtering, capturing, and robotomizing semi-innocent lives.
___ Zipping between trees, hurtling over rocks, and doing other fasty, athletey things, Rene stopped suddenly. His feet could stop on a dime(making a strange sqeaking sound), but his body, ankles on up, would bounce back and forth for a few seconds after a sudden halt from his top speed.
___ He caught up with his enemies; he didn't know where the village was that they were going to attack, so he would have to follow them.
___ It was a game of patience; dang, did he ever hate those!
___ Muna inquired "If Deathbed were attacking us, wouldn't the robots be here by now? It's only a dozen miles."
___ Puzzled, young Queen Triantifillia said "I wish we knew where Rene went. His behavior's become quite enigmatic of late."
___ After another minute, the queen decided to put together a party to follow after Rene.
___ After twenty minutes of following the robots, Rene caught the scent of civilized folk. He smirked, knowing that no robots posessed this sense; as such, he no longer needed to follow them so cautiously.
___ He could now run and follow his nose, "wherever it goes," he said aloud.
___ The ground had become quite steep. He was definitely heading up a mountain now. Rene wiped his brow, grabbed a strip of jerky out of his pack, and continued.
___ Those robots had a leader! He just now sorted it out in his head; though there were at least forty of the usual cut-and-dried machine men, there was one that was a head taller, with an actual face, at the front of the line.
___ The sign said "Welcome to Searchlight! Population: Nunya beezwax." Courtesy dictated that Rene laugh at the joke, despite the urgency of his mission.
___ "Robot robot" Briscoe said, dully.
___ "ROBOT ROBOT ROBOT" chanted his followers in response.
___ Robotic marches are pretty straightforward that way.
___ "Rene's trail is pretty faint," said Anonymous McSpendable, "He must've been going pretty fast, since, as we all know, he stinks."
___ "Especially when he's worked up a sweat." Muna added.
___ The three foxes and lone bunny kept following the faint scent trail; despite his bulk and his haste, he left no visible trace.
___ Searchlight. This village was beautiful! It reminded Rene of all the comforts of prewar Dodge, if on a less grandoise scale. As the buildings didn't blend in with the woodlands around them, it was a small wonder that Deathbed found it.
___ Well, he'd had enough of admiring the place; he'd already wasted a good three seconds that could be spent saving it!
___ First, he let out a voluble howl, to get their attention. Windows flew open; most men in earshot drew their swords.
___ Drawing his own sword, Rene yelled "The professor's robots are coming! Be prepared!"
___ They were staring at him -- and well they might.
___ He was the only Zwark in the village that wasn't white.
___ Rabbits, mice, foxes, cats...all the usual fauna were represented. There were different kinds of white: arctics, with black skin and white fur; albinos, with pale skin, pink eyes, and white fur; even an occasional white tiger or snow leopard, with a little black on fur that was mostly white.
___ One, a large arctic wolf with a triangular patch of bare skin on his chest, stepped toward Rene. Sneering, he said "Why should we beleive you, city boy? I haven't heard of any 'professor' to worry about."
___ "I've been fighting his forces for nine years," Rene said, "As long as he's had control of Dodge. Today, he's sending at least three dozen robot warriors to despoil your village."
___ Dismissively, the wolf said "Must be another Monarchist ploy; our parents and grandparents left Dodge behind fifty years ago, with all its cosmopolitan coloration, and its decadent denizens. We don't want your godless city, and we don't want your godless king."
___ There was little that could be said to that, and while he was trying to sort out some of the smaller words, Rene was hit with another line.
___ "How are any of us to know that you aren't lying?"
___ "I am a man of honor, and a man of my word. What reason do you have to disbelieve me? Every second you spend shifting the burden of proof is a second you could spend preparing to fight or flee from the coming wrath."
___ Raising his sword, a thick, broad-bladed scimitar, the wolf said "I've got your fight right here!" He was about to strike, but a familiar voice reproved him.
___ "Triangle, no! This man might be strange, but he's not deranged; can't you see the sincerity in his eyes? Hear the fear in his voice? His actions reveal that the danger is real." It was Bekah, even more beautiful in her young age.
___ Triangle was determined to attack; flinging the girl aside, he swung at Rene. The pink coyote saw in his mind's eye the blow cleaving his skull; with time slowing, he stepped aside. Delivering a high kick, Rene knocked the weapon from his opponent's hand.
___ "Stop wasting our time, monseur triangle. The enemy is..." He was cut off by a loud noise.
___ "Robot robot!" The gigantic, nearly person-like, Briscoe slashed and burned himself a trail straight into town.
___ "ROBOT ROBOT ROBOT!" Nondescript humanoid robots marched in, guns in hand.
___ Women and children ran and screamed. If only they'd prepared better with their five minutes!
___ Ms. Conejo's ears shot up. "I hear crashing and caterwauling."
___ Sniffing, the Queen of Nike said "I smell smoke."
___ Anonymous said "And where there's smoke..."
___ "...There's fire." was his sister Noname's reply.
___ They now ran. Run, they, run!
___ "Aim for their faces!" Rene yelled, "That's where their armor is weakest."
___ With grace, panache, and gusto, he stabbed at his opponents with his dwarfed sword. The locals were more often than not running around like chickens with their heads cut off; in some cases, this was greusomely literal.
___ "SURRENDER AND DIE PEACEFULLY," demanded Briscoe. He was speaking into one of the mics on his head, which projected the sound through the speaker on his chest.
___ Rene wondered why Deathbed didn't just feed the dang robot's voice directly to the loudspeaker; this wonder distracted him enough that a solid punch got his gut and knocked the wind out of him.
___ The robot punched him another time, but he slowed down and ducked under the third punch. Stabbing with all his might at its chest, his sword sent the robot into a wall, against which it shattered.
___ Still reeling in pain, Rene looked around him. Some of the men were decent enough, but it was quite clear that they'd never had more than a barroom brawl in their lives.
___ Then he saw HER in action. Becky ran all over the place, ran circles around these robots, and killed them with fire. Her motions were as smooth as they were swift.
___ He jumped up in the air to avoid the kick of a robot that had snuck up behind him, turned around, and stabbed its faceplate. The robot stopped, inanimate.
___ Briscoe had stopped after killing half a dozen people, and had since putting his efforts into taunting his enemies. "WE COME IN PEACE; WE'LL LEAVE YOU IN PIECES."
___ Triangle yelled and rushed straight for the robotic giant. Scimitar in hand, he swung for all he was worth. One of Briscoe's lights went out; that, at least, was worth something.
___ Not to be outdone, the robot kicked him, spun its saw, and started slashing. Rene started rushing toward them, knowing that two swords are better than one.
___ Laying off the loudspeaker, Briscoe said "I'll cut you to ribbons and burn what remains."
___ Triangle chopped like some insane butcher; that's not the mistake of a first-year fighter, but of a first time fighter. For all his tough talk, he clearly knew nothing about combat.
___ Rene ran around to the robot's back and poked at his chinks. Finding this ineffective, he tried tripping Briscoe up.
___ With a clang, Rene decided not to waste his legs on that idea again.
___ The saw swiped off Triangle's left arm, while the saw burned his face. Ignoring the pain, Triangle continued with his madman tactic.
___ He was hurting it pretty bad, but not enough. Rene pushed the fool out of the way, and lost an ear to the flamethrower.
___ "Zhou fool," he said "stop trying to be such a fuel. Zere are two kinds of warriors: the smart, and the quickly deceased."
___ Turning, Rene let out a flurry of quick blows to his foe; Briscoe shrugged these off and attacked. Rene dodged under the saw, then over the flame. While in the air, he stabbed at one of the microphones.
___ It was projected over the loudspeaker as the word "SWORD!"
___ "SWORD!" the unsound was audible for miles. "Spooky." said one of the McSpendables.
___ "You three, hurry!" Muna dashed as fast as she could.
___ The town was now visible; so were the smoke and fire. The foxes couldn't quite keep pace with the rabbit.
___ Shock stopped her long enough for the four to enter all at once.
___ The robots were down two dozen; the Zwarks were down by four score. Though their bones were strong enough to penetrate the steel of their enemies' bodies, the local yokels made some of the dumbest combat mistakes that the Dodgers had ever seen.
___ It was no wonder, Rene realized, that they all died in the first future. Bekah was swift and powerful, but one good shot, swipe, or slash and she'd be done for. As it was, Rene was fighting a losing battle against the enemy captain.
___ "You can only dodge so much, dog." taunted Briscoe, "And your weapon can barely scratch me."
___ It was true, too. Were his sword fully restored, he would have fared slightly better; as it stood, his task was hopeless.
___ Triangle had recovered slightly. Already his flailing stump of a left shoulder had stopped bleeding. Picking his sword up for at least the second time today, he rushed at his foe with renewed fury.
___ "I'M NOT STUPID! I'M NOT STUPID! I'M NOT STUPID!" yet his actions revealed the truth; his berzerking was every bit as stupid as it had been before. His blade made dents in his enemy's plating, but the damage was mostly visual.
___ Slapping him with the broad side of his saw, Briscoe said "How utterly annoying."
___ Rene evaded another stream of flame, stabbed his foe's right eye, and backed as far away as he could. He couldn't hurt this guy, so he decided instead to take out as many of the weaker robots as he could, and save more lives that way.
___ "You'd better run, coward!"
___ "I'M STILL NOT STUPID!" Triangle lied.
___ Anon dodged a robot's gun, and struck it with a swing while jumping. It took him a second or two to get his blade, which had gone clear through the machine's head, out of its torso.
___ Noname snuck behind one and kicked its shiny, metal butt. As this served no purpose beyond hurting her foot, she limped away to try and help someone else.
___ Muna and Triantifillia threw rocks at the robots. These struck with great accuracy, and they smashed at least two into uselessness.
___ Anon took on two at once; he waited for them to punch, then ducked at the last second. Their fists collided with eachothers' faces.
___ Picking up a discarded gun from one of the demolished robots, Noname opened fire upon her enemies. Several shot back; one hit her. That was all it took; Noname McSpendable fell down, chestless.
___ His sister dead, Anonymous lost his cool and flew at them in fury; as they were turned toward her, they didn't see it coming. By the time they'd turned to face their attacker, Muna and the queen had already picked up guns and fired upon them.
___ The number of competent fighters in the battle had just more than doubled; Rene now felt that they might actually get out of this alive! He'd taken down another half dozen; Becky, at least seven.
___ The number of robot minions was dwindling quickly. Realizing this, Briscoe barked into his mic "REGROUP!"
___ Nonchalantly fending off Triangle's attacks, Briscoe waited for his remaining robots to gather 'round.
___ Anonymous was at the side of his deceased sister. Tears blurred his vision, flooded his nose, and rolled off of his cheeks. There was nothing he could do...but suck it up, and avenge her death upon those responsible.
___ "He's desperate." said the white chick.
___ "So are we." said the yellow.
___ "He's got some trick up his sleeve." said the red.
___ Rene just stood in front of the three, who had now gathered together. Looking them over, he nodded.
___ Bekah was definitely running low on firepower; her usual glow was no longer evident. She was trying to hide the fact that she was also shivering.
___ The other two, despite being his longest-standing friends, didn't seem to matter as much to Rene. Nothing was out of order with them, at least.
___ But, then, the McSpendables. Where was Anon?
___ Crap. Zerg Rush only works when you outnumber your enemy, Anon!
___ Triangle, Anonymous, and a couple other men of the town whose biceps outweighed their brains had clumped together and rushed the enemies; these were now one dozen strong, with the common types forming a circle around their leader.
___ Four do not outnumber twelve.
___ "Aiud asod feuo leia aiwd wifme. Iaufn uifnx anfs ewunf. Fnusd edfu sufn auw ayd euir and bawsu. Wabudb eyb eubd. Uvbe ensv snue djvn sudgb aosdn asodiw," said a large dragon to a small one.
___ "Oh," the smaller replied, "Emnf sduif ein."
___ Nodding, the larger went back to sleep.
___ Cautiously, Rene moved in to attack his enemies. He was the only member of the team still fit to fight. Anon and Triangle, he knew, were done for.
___ The girls ran off to give what aid they could to the few townspeople who were both living and wounded. He'd given Becky his pack.
___ Plasma bullets were easy enough to dodge; they only moved at about ten miles per hour. With his enhanced chronological senses, Rene had nothing to fear from any attacks which originated in his (rather wide) field of view.
___ Already Anon lay dead. One hand still grasped his sword, but this was no longer attached to his torso. Neither was his head.
___ Triangle kept plugging along; he thrashed the robot standing in front of Briscoe. A replacement moved into place, struck him, and got thrashed. Still the wolf repeated his line "I'M NOT STUPID! I'M NOT STUPID!"
___ The robots responded "ROBOT ROBOT ROBOT!" and hit him some more.
___ The other large guys (one a tiger, the other a mouse) failed to destroy even a single robot between them. Dead they lay; Briscoe burned their remains.
___ "Who is that pink guy?" Bekah asked Muna.
___ "Rene d'Lucien," responded his old friend, dressing a wound, "gentleman warrior of Not Home."
___ Smiling, the wolf said "He sure seems useful."
___ "You can certainly say that again." Her Majesty said, remembering the loot he'd brought from the future.
___ "You again? Haven't I been insulted enough today?" huffed the wolf, gruffly.
___ Ducking and stabbing, the coyote replied "Pardon a moi, monseur, but if there has been any insult laid upon zhou today, it has been by yourself."
___ Throwing flame, their shared adversary said "How touching arrogant of both of you. Good thing you're not long for this world."
___ He'd mowed down the last of his own minions! What kind of lunatic was this robot?
___ For that matter, what kind of lunatic was Triangle? His response was to jump his enemy again, head-on, despite this not having worked before. Another visible scratch left upon his foe.
___ Laughing, Briscoe took off his foe's other arm. Undeterred, Triangle started kicking, biting, and head-butting his enemy. This was so horrendously bad a tactic that Rene now needed to choke back his laughter.
___ It was horrible, messy, tragic, and smelly. Rene knew it would fall on deaf ears now if he said "I told you so" to the reckless fool; his head was cut off, and his face was burned.
___ Rene was on his own now. It was just him and Briscoe, mono-e-mono. There was no escape; one of them would not make it to tomorrow. The robot was missing an eye and a microphone; the man was missing his left ear and fighting with an incomplete weapon.
___ His sword of bone failed to penetrate; no matter how hard Rene stabbed, his blade proved ineffectual. Backing away from the robot's flamethrower, he tripped. It was Triangle's head.
___ Briscoe took one giant stride toward his opponent. He swung his saw so quickly that Rene had nowhere to dodge; he was already sitting on his behind. With no other recourse, he parried the buzzsaw with his sword.
___ Rene felt a terrible shock to his nerves as the metal teeth of the saw chipped away at his sword. Bone dust scattered in the air and then, slowly, the whirring stopped.
___ Steel is strong, but the bones of the Zwarks are stronger still; with all the limbs he'd severed, Briscoe had dulled his blade. Parts caught up in eachother and seized up.
___ Rene's sword was in even worse condition; it was marred, and had been nearly sawed through. One stab, and it would break. To avoid this, Rene sheathed it and rolled to the right while his foe was confused.
___ Briscoe needed to turn to attack his foe now, as his other armament was his right arm. Rene knew the situation now looked hopeless. His weapon was unusable (and ineffectual, even when fresh), his enemy was stronger than he, and he was caught flat on his back.
___ Smirking, Briscoe said "It ends now, Rene. The boss will be so pleased when he finds that I not only destroyed this village, but also killed you in the process."
___ Taking extra time to laugh when aiming his arm, the robot feighned to aim for the face, right arm, groin, and face again in that order.
___ Thinking quickly, Rene realized that there was a weapon which could hurt this monster. Triangle's scimitar had left many marks; had he been wiser, he could have caused significant damage. Slowing time, Rene reached out with his left hand and grabbed the sword. Time normal, he rolled further to the right (bumping into the ashen remains of the giant mouse), and jumped to a vertical position.
___ Grasping his fallen ally's sword in both hands, Rene made a powerful swing to the robot's left arm. He missed the joint he'd aimed at by about three inches. "Definitely unused to this blade's balance."
___ The robot's arm fell off anyway, buzzsaw and all.
___ Wheezing, Deathbed said "I've got a bad feeling, but I'm going to outdo it with a nasty idea."
___ So saying, he started typing on his keyboard frantically.
___ "This robot will be sleeker, more streamlined. Yes, I can see it now; those dogs won't know what hit 'em."
___ His robotic eye started flashing rapidly.
___ Rene, armed with a penetrating blade, now faced a one-armed, one-eyed robot; and yet he still failed to gain the upper hand. This foe was deceptive, cunning, armed with a flamethrower, and (most importantly) eight cubits tall.
___ Hastily whirling counterclockwise to face his adversary, Briscoe said "I'll give you one more chance, delusional dog. Surrender and die peacably."
___ Saying nothing, Rene jumped in the air and delivered the sword's blade to the robot's other eye. His hefty thrust hit home, blinding the machine for the rest of his...er...days.
___ Briscoe retributed by backhanding Rene into next week.
___ Rene sat there, propped up against a wall, reeling in agony. He couldn't sort his mind out, but he did make out the shape of the automaton walking slowly toward him.
___ Guesstimating the coyote's lotaction, the robot aimed his flamethrower eight inches to the right of Rene's heart (Rene's left).
___ "I don't like you," Briscoe said, "so I'm going to make this slow."
___ Rene cringed. Just as the robot's flame was about to go off, light broke.
___ Several survivors had picked up discarded arms, and fired them all upon the gigantic robot at once. Some blasts had left dents visible on Rene's side of the machine.
___ Taking no chances, Rene stood up and swung with all his might at Briscoe's flamethrower arm. The sword fell from his hand in two pieces, leaving the robot's arm nearly severed. It swung back and forth a couple of times before gravity finished the job.
___ A final shot hit the machine man's stump of an arm, and ignited his remaining store of fuel. The flames were beautiful to behold, but painful to be so near.
___ Knowing his end was near, Briscoe turned to where he assumed Rene stood (he was off by more than twenty degrees) and said "DeLucien, by the jaws of helheim I fall to thee!"
___ So saying, the robot made every effort to fall on Rene. Had Bekah been a little slower, he would have almost succeeded.
___ "Ah, joy," mumbled the battered warrior, "to see such a heavenly face. To be thus saved twice is no disgrace."
___ He could feel her soft, warm hands as she dragged him away from the burning wreckage. He was almost ready to pass out, but through force of will kept himself awake.
___ Queen Triantifillia addressed the crowd of survivors. "You must come with us. All of you, there's room to spare and work to share in the village of Not Home."
___ "What if we want to remain in Searchlight?" someone small inquired.
___ "You will die," the queen responded casually, "because Deathbed knows where this place is now. On finding that his initial force was defeated, he will send a larger group than the one before."
___ "How many robots does this guy have? Hundreds? Thousands?" questioned someone, worriedly.
___ "Tens of thousands," responded the queen, in no sort of hurry. "He can make hundreds in a day, when he so chooses. He's run Dodge for years, and his factory never snoozes."
___ This got their attention and caused a commotion. When at length the murmur had settled, all decided to leave the place.
___ "We've no time to bury the dead," said Muna, "so we must throw them on the fire. It's the only honorable recourse we have."
___ Muna and Triantifillia gave their Warp Wings to the two women they could find in the worst condition. Making the next obvious choice of who to put inside of them, Muna and the queen shared the secret password.
___ "Didn't Noname also have a Wing with her?" Rene asked, now on his own two feet.
___ "Yeah, I think so..." the rabbit answered.
___ Wasting no time, Rene reached into the pouch of his still-warm deceased friend before she was thrown into the fire.
___ "That's pretty nasty," Bekah said to him.
___ "Nasty wars call for nasty measures," Rene responded, "There's very little left that I won't make myself do when duty calls." Pulling out the Wing, he concluded "This thing's worth rummaging through corpses for. It'll bring a person straight to Not Home - two, if one of them's a woman."
___ "Still," the wolf said, repulsed, "going through a woman's pocket like that...or using another man's sword. It just seems so, well, revolting."
___ Rene spoke no further, but only nodded.
___ Choosing the last pair to send home was easy; there were many dead, but few wounded. Everyone else was given ten minutes to pack their essentials before the trek.
___ Rene, though missing two-thirds of his right ear, insisted that his wounds were not severe. Bearing a child on each shoulder, he held up the rear.
___ Bearing her duty with hardly a grunt, the vixen queen lead from the front.
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