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Wandering Monkey vs. Blazes Battles Inc.
Wandering Monkey
Gnome
Download: 268B
V.S.
Blazes Battles Inc.
Play Time: 0 hours and 0.001 minutes
Review # 2 for Blazes Battles Inc.
Them's Fightin' Words
    By the name, you probably think it's made by someone who just wants in to cash in on Wandering Hamster's success... just in a very idiotic way destined to fail. By the title screen (if you dared to click on the link to its game page) you probably would think someone's trying to either insult the Hamster Republic, or make a fool of themself. Surprisingly, this game was actually intended to be serious and to be taken seriously. Unsurprisingly, it's MUCH worse than someone just trying to make a fool of themself.
Graphics
    There are three main graphical sections here. First, we have the title screen. It was ripped from Wandering Hamster, horribly butchered with incorrect fonts and red Xs, and they replaced Bob with a friggin' monkey that probably took nigh a second to make. Next, we have the walkabouts. They're well done, by a monkey's standards. Then again, by a human's standards, these terrible one-frame-fits-all monkey graphics should be deleted and replaced with a single pixel that switches from black to white. There's no animation, and no directions (except down). Finally, we have the maptiles. A single, lovely shade of purple. If only a solid color made an entire map look good...  
Storyline
    Well, according to the description of the game (there's no text or backdrops to explain ANYTHING in the actual game), you're supposed to 'a weird monkey.' I assume they left out the word 'find,' but it wouldn't make much difference. You cannot find something that does not exist.  
Gameplay
    There was a teensy bit of gameplay, which consisted of you walking. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly prime gameplay.  
  Battle
    There were no battles, unless you count the non-plotscripted battle to move as thousands of monkeys block your every step, making your life an unrelenting nightmare that chills you to the very core of your soul.  
  Map Design
    It's a shade of purple, meaning... no, I think that's an unscorable. There has to be some sort of map DESIGN to review map design.  
  Balance
    Based on the above battle review, you should be able to determine that the balance in this game was stacked against you. All these monkeys that don't even want to let you take five steps without being stopped.  
Music
    Unfortunately, this computer doesn't play music, and a game has to be worth it for me to transfer it through a slow floppy drive to my laptop that DOES play music.  
Enjoyment
    For a game that corrupts your soul and SOMEHOW transmits both the bubonic plague, small pox, and a moderate dose of anthrax through your computer's ventilation system, it's enjoyable. However, it doesn't actually DO any of those things, so any enjoyment you recieve would be induced by outside forces or, possibly, from your laughter at the game itself.  
Final Blows
    Ugh... this game makes no friggin' sense. Let me tell you, I looked for the longest time for a monkey that looked even ONE PIXEL different. I even picked out ones with slightly faster and slower speeds. There's nothing here, and downloading it is a waste of time.


Final Scores
Graphics: 1/10.0
I WOULD give it a two, you know, since it did have monkey graphics that made me laugh (out of pity, mind you), but the butchered Wandering Hamster title screen knocked back a point.
Storyline: 1/10.0
This should SO get a 0. There's no story. But 1 IS the lowest, right?
Gameplay: 1/10.0
Check the Gameplay section of the review for more details.
Music: 5/10.0
My computer doesn't play music, and I didn't care about the game enough to transfer it to a computer that does, so... I, grudgingly, must assume this game had average music at a solid 5.0.
Enjoyment: 1/10.0
I can't enjoy what isn't enjoyable.
Overall Grade: F-
Final Thoughts
    That'll teach me to download every new game on the off chance it's good. Of the last... probably ten new games, only one or two have been enjoyable, and this one has not only NOT been enjoyable, it has somehow made my life worse, as if it were anathema to enjoyment itself.  


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