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Astro's Quest 2: Monster Madness vs. Uncommon
Astro's Quest 2: Monster Madness I WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS KING TO BE ANYTHING BUT MERE MYTH
Redmage18***
Download: 214 KB
V.S.
Uncommon
Play Time: 0 hours and 15 minutes
Review # 16 for Uncommon I WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS KING TO BE ANYTHING BUT MERE MYTH
Them's Fightin' Words
    Sometimes, when browsing the CP gamelist, you come across some...special games. They won't be much, maybe 30 minutes at the most, but they'll give you such an experience that should be left to our nightmares, never to be released upon the waking world. Astro's Quest II: Monster Maddness (not my misspell) is just such a game. Much of it can be described as...inexplicable.
Graphics
    Heh heh heh...
Where to start, where to start? There are just...so many graphics in this game, and so much you can say about them. Like, for instance, the blank, black backgrounds; or the terrible attempts at shading that are, more often than not, not even the right base color (red to shade yellow? what?); or that inexplicable grey pixel that appears on the main character's walkabout, coming off of his suspectedly airbrushed hair every now and then; or the single-toned tiles and other tiles that have completely inexplicable texture; or the general suck of the whole thing.

How about we don't even start, and instead finish by just saying that it's ugly, eh?
 
Storyline
    Huh. Let's see. Astro is wandering through some place, supposedly doing some stuff, until he is supposedly compelled to do that stuff in a cave, where he'll eventually fight a Minotaur (supposedly; it was called a "Minnitar") who will join him. After that, it becomes a bit unclear. See, there's this town, but nothing in it but a few soldiers who keep telling you that they "must protect the king at all times." There's also this other cave that tells you that the demo is over. It's all really involved and confusing, I know, but just TRY to understand...

So, this leaves me asking, where's the story? Really, you start out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but a cave mouth and a guess. You're never given a real character or a clear purpose (not even an unclear purpose, which is better than nothing). Seriously, what is the point? Why should you ever want to bother playing this game?
Quite simply, you shouldn't.

Also, no concept of proper grammar or spelling whatsoever. YEAH, WELL, I HATE YOU TOO, MR. REED SMITH.
 
Gameplay
    Not much but wandering around and battles. Just a lot of bore.
Items are totally unecessary, but cheap. Antidotes are free. Equipment is useless and doesn't do ANYTHING.
 
  Battle
    The battles are presented in FIRST-PERSON, like Dragon Warrior, but very poorly. One problem is that OHR doesn't have the best engine for first-person battles (it's a bloody third-person engine, what do you expect?), but the biggest part was that the author quite clearly didn't know what he was doing. Enemies were often (almost always) placed in spots where they would be covered by the HP/SPEED display. Also, they had attack graphics. This ought to be a no-no if one is supposed to be looking from the bottom, since it would mean the enemy is attacking to the side instead. We like battle backgrounds, too. Perhaps you should consider adding some, MR. REED SMITH.

The fighting itself was a total bore. Astro had another list, but it was perpetually empty, so all you could really do is hold the button until he killed all of the enemies. Also, the stat-balancing was AWFUL. When enemies didn't miss, they never did more than one damage, whereas Astro only needed to hit them once to kill them and NEVER missed. Of course, just because he only needed to hit them once didn't mean he only did, since his extra hits stat WAS AT 10. Everyone's was. So, TOO MANY EXTRA HITS.

And, while we're complaining about the battles, why not mention that ALL OF THE ENEMY NAMES ARE MISSPELLED. From the DW slime rip-off Boloon Booms to the Scorpeons to the Minnitar himself. Speaking of, THE MINNITAR, THE ONLY BOSS IN THE GAME, BLOODY KILLED HIMSELF. That's right. He used his special attack on me, but it did more damage to him than to me (which was 1 dmg when it didn't miss) and, after hitting himself 7 times or so (with just one use), he was dead. I couldn't keep from laughing, it was so bloody stupid.

Right, and when you get him, the Minnitar DOES have some attacks in his special list, but none of them are useful.
 
  Map Design
    Two many random encounters. Too many stupid mazes (one). Too much uselessness. Too many plot boulder-soldiers.  
  Balance
    Well, let's see, sucky battles and stupid maps, eh? Yeah, I think so, I do. I think this game failed very well.  
Music
    Shrug.  
Enjoyment
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA -- no.  
Final Blows
    Remember, kids, be careful when you're browsing the CP list. Oh, yeah, and SPELL CHECKERS ARE GOOD THINGS.
The Adventures of Mr. Flashy Upside-Down Triangle!

The Adventures of Mr. Flashy Upside-Down Triangle!
Final Scores
Graphics: 1/10.0
Learn how to shade properly, and how to not suck, ideally.
Storyline: 1/10.0
We don't take to idly wandering around. Give us a purpose, precious, or we'll give you a nasty review.
And learn how to spell for chris'sake.
Gameplay: 1/10.0
INNOVATIVE!!!11~!! YOUR UZE OFTEH XTRA HITRZZ ISO ORIJINNAL!!!!~~!@
Music: 5/10.0
Sorry. I still need to hear it to rate it.
Enjoyment: 1/10.0
Congratulations, you've just made another sucky newbie game. We'll be sure to quickly forget you for this outstanding achievement.
Overall Grade: F-
Final Thoughts
    DO NOT DOWNLOAD THIS GAME.  


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