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Castle Paradox
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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 Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: Time Limit Expired |
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This will be the official secondary thread for the Modern Day Fantasy: Cannonball City chapter postings. I'll leave this open to allow a steady stream of chapter updates while giving you all a chance to catch up with the previous one.
Whether I open a third will depend on how much more time is needed for you to catch up on the first.
So, without wasting time, here's the next chapter. Enjoy.
AND COMMENT...ahem.
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Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Time limit on Chapter 2 has expired.
Due to a lack of feedback on Chapter 3, Chapter 5 will not be posted.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Moogle1
Scourge of the Seas
Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner
Joined: 15 Jul 2004
Posts: 3377
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | It could’ve been nerves or maybe low blood sugar. He hadn’t eaten all day. Or it could’ve been the aftereffects of his doctor visit earlier. |
The second sentence interrupts the flow here. I'd recommend combining them:
| Quote: | | It could’ve been nerves or maybe low blood sugar; he hadn’t eaten all day. Or it could’ve been the aftereffects of his doctor visit earlier. |
| Quote: | | Hours earlier, before he left the house, he studied himself in the mirror. Blue eyes looked back, vying for the attention an open window tried to steal. A mat of brown hair tangled over his brow, soaking the light glistening off his teeth in the reflection. He thought himself an Adonis, slightly shorter, not as Greek. He was perfection, blessed with chiseled cheeks, sculpted with zero back hair and three-percent body fat. Not bad, he thought, for a guy with a gimp ankle. |
This last sentence really doesn't fit with the paragraph. Having a gimp ankle doesn't make you any less beautiful. You could omit it entirely, since the ankle is discussed repeatedly later.
I find it really odd that Jimmy seems to have more than two keyrings, including one that has neither house key nor car key.
The stop-and-go seesaw lasted for half an hour, giving him a break near his exit, and resumed sometime after he returned to the streets. -- should be two words: "some time"
Bret Slacker -- again with the funny names 
this girl was about as brunette as they came -- how is one person more brunette than another? I can understand being more blonde, but usually that just means more ditzy.
This is becoming disconcerting of you. -- really awkward phrasing. Consider omitting "of you."
| Quote: | This meant Jimmy still had time to get a date with Bethany.
“You’re neither a glass half-full or glass half-empty guy, are you?†asked Jimmy. |
Any reason you split this into two paragraphs?
"Parowack" could be a Pokemon. (That would be an interesting plot twist--)
Calvin and Hobbes? Seriously.
It was silver, with ridges, and still smoking. -- modern guns rarely smoke. That is so passé.
| Quote: | | The man cursed a string of expletives at whatever had caught his attention, though Jimmy couldn’t hear what he said for the gun annihilated all other sound. |
This sentence runs on. There should be a comma before "for," but I might replace "for" with a semicolon instead, breaking up the sentence.
Why doesn't Jimmy say anything to the police? At the very least, he'd need to make a statement.
You need to describe the gunman at the point when he enters the room with Jimmy. It's not clear if the fat man who recognizes Jimmy in line is the gunman. I don't think he is, but I'd feel better if we got a look at the gunman.
I'm not sure why the chapter is titled "A Mysterious Place." Nor is it particularly catchy. Think about renaming it.
Interesting segue from the previous chapter. If the next few chapters are also about Jimmy, the first chapter might be better as a prologue.
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Pepsi Ranger
Reality TV Host
Joined: 05 Feb 2003
Posts: 493
Location: South Florida
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| Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments.
| Moogle wrote: |
| Quote: | | Hours earlier, before he left the house, he studied himself in the mirror. Blue eyes looked back, vying for the attention an open window tried to steal. A mat of brown hair tangled over his brow, soaking the light glistening off his teeth in the reflection. He thought himself an Adonis, slightly shorter, not as Greek. He was perfection, blessed with chiseled cheeks, sculpted with zero back hair and three-percent body fat. Not bad, he thought, for a guy with a gimp ankle. |
This last sentence really doesn't fit with the paragraph. Having a gimp ankle doesn't make you any less beautiful. You could omit it entirely, since the ankle is discussed repeatedly later. |
Actually, the line wasn't meant to imply beauty. It's supposed to imply his inability to exercise.
But I can see where there's confusion, so the line now reads: "Good maintenance, he thought, for a guy in his condition."
| Moogle wrote: | | I find it really odd that Jimmy seems to have more than two keyrings, including one that has neither house key nor car key. |
This translates to one of my own personal bad habits, which is to keep the keys of things I no longer own. In a later chapter we find out that Jimmy doesn't live in a single place for very long. However, to eliminate logistical problems, the line now reads: "According to his front door he didn’t have the right house keys, either."
| Moogle wrote: | | this girl was about as brunette as they came -- how is one person more brunette than another? I can understand being more blonde, but usually that just means more ditzy. |
This comes from a personal perception of brunettes I had back in childhood. Most of the brunette girls I knew in those days reminded me of a TV character called Punky Brewster, who was far from blonde. Bethany is sort of a throwback to that era (not necessarily to Punky Brewster, but to those I remembered from school who looked like Punky Brewster). The line reflects my own memory of the girls from that time. Yes, it can be ambiguous, but for now I'm gonna leave it up to the reader's imagination (unless it becomes a problem). But that's where it comes from.
| Moogle wrote: | | Quote: |
This meant Jimmy still had time to get a date with Bethany.
“You’re neither a glass half-full or glass half-empty guy, are you?†asked Jimmy. |
Any reason you split this into two paragraphs? |
Of course.
| Moogle wrote: | | "Parowack" could be a Pokemon. (That would be an interesting plot twist--) |
I beg to differ.
| Moogle wrote: | | Calvin and Hobbes? Seriously. |
Seriously.
You're the first person I know of to catch the joke, though.
| Moogle wrote: | | It was silver, with ridges, and still smoking. -- modern guns rarely smoke. That is so passé. |
I found this incredibly helpful. Thanks. I admit I don't know everything there is to know about the universe, so little cookies like this make my life easier. I appreciate it.
And the line now reads: "The man reached behind his back and revealed a gun. It was silver, with ridges, and smelled hot. Jimmy could see right down the barrel."
The follow-up line where the "smoke is thicker" has also been eliminated.
Thanks again.
| Moogle wrote: | | Quote: |
The man cursed a string of expletives at whatever had caught his attention, though Jimmy couldn’t hear what he said for the gun annihilated all other sound. |
This sentence runs on. There should be a comma before "for," but I might replace "for" with a semicolon instead, breaking up the sentence. |
I'm gonna disagree here. While grammatically it makes sense, I'm favoring pacing and rhythm here. Leaving out the comma keeps the line moving, while keeping "for" adds lyricism to it.
Then again, the semicolon would deafen sound better.... Great, now I'm torn.
This will be on standby.
| Moogle wrote: | | Why doesn't Jimmy say anything to the police? At the very least, he'd need to make a statement. |
I didn't show him saying anything because it would make the chapter way too long. But just because we don't see him making a statement doesn't mean one hasn't been made. The Q&A does last for half an hour, after all.
| Moogle wrote: | | You need to describe the gunman at the point when he enters the room with Jimmy. It's not clear if the fat man who recognizes Jimmy in line is the gunman. I don't think he is, but I'd feel better if we got a look at the gunman. |
The fat man is definitely NOT the Spotless Cowboy. The fat man's role is to show the reader that Jimmy can't hide his face like the others can. Even if he were to change his name (as in Witness Protection), it would do him little good since people still know who he is.
I agree with the need to describe the Cowboy better, though. Here's the new description:
"A man with golden eyes appeared in the doorway, blood trickling from his thigh. His hair was black and soaked, matted like a thorn bush, reaching down to a nose that resembled a bird’s beak. Dirt stained his clothes and he smelled like garbage. And he was dragging a businessman under his arm as a hostage."
| Moogle wrote: | | I'm not sure why the chapter is titled "A Mysterious Place." Nor is it particularly catchy. Think about renaming it. |
I actually really like the chapter title here. Rhythmically it rolls off the last chapter's title like honey. Contextually, it fantasizes a real place. Literally, it plays off the first line really well. And constructively, it doesn't give away the upcoming suspense. I think it's a perfect title.
I understand your viewpoint, granted, but the title won't change.
| Moogle wrote: | | Interesting segue from the previous chapter. If the next few chapters are also about Jimmy, the first chapter might be better as a prologue. |
Prologues are only useful when you want to include a back story that has nothing to do with the main story. Though both stories introduced in Chapter One will take an entire novel and a few sequels to play out, they're hardly fit for a prologue. So, it'll remain Chapter One.
And yes, the rest of the book is told through Jimmy's eyes.
Okay. Now that that's done. Read Chapter3! Thanks for the comments.
_________________
Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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