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Castle Paradox
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Moogle1 Scourge of the Seas Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner


Joined: 15 Jul 2004 Posts: 3377 Location: Seattle, WA
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Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: Coffee Time for Darkside |
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I'll get around to reviewing Cannonball City ch2-3 soon, but first, here's another short story. I imagine it could work equally effectively as a chapter in a larger work.
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My eyes scanned the coffee shop. I was looking for an open table, but it was also partly instinct. Playing hero for too long does that to a guy. Place was packed -- crap. Was that Magnus sipping a cappuccino in the corner?
I'd never actually seen him "off the job" -- neither of us was in his respective outfit, so I wasn't sure it was really him until his eyes met mine. Crap crap crap. I didn't want this. He must have recognized the black trenchcoat. He stood up quickly, fight in his eyes. I raised my hands calmly and approached the table. He was drinking alone.
"Darkside!" he hissed. "What you doin' here?"
Magnus was a large man of indeterminate ethnicity: could have easily been black as white or anything in between, but most likely he was of mixed race. His arms bulged muscle when they weren't stuffed into the ridiculous getup that passed for his costume. I'd never seen them before today -- he was wearing a tight-fitting T-shirt that bore the name of a band I'd never heard of -- but I knew the muscles were there after our various run-ins. Magnus was a beast of a man, not the kind I liked to run into unarmed.
"Relax," I said. My hands were still raised. "I'm not here for you, just the coffee."
"Likely story! I know how this stuff works, man! You say that now and then we get outside and it's all cops." My eyes wandered down to his clenched fists. I could tell I'd need to talk fast to avoid a mouthful of one of those.
"Look. You wanna know the truth? Nobody's looking for you right now, man. Price on your head's too low."
His lip curled. "No way, man! After the Reimann job? There gotta be an easy hundred grand on me."
I shook my head. "Sorry. Last I checked, you're under ten thou. Right now, I'm not on the job. I'm not even packing. You're not worth that kind of trouble." Using my head to gesture towards an open chair, I said, "Mind if I sit? Place is packed today."
He bared his teeth at me, then paused to consider. "...Fine. But you try anything and it's your neck, man. Your friggin' neck." He wrung two large hands together in apt illustration. I grinned back at him, lowered my hands slowly and took my seat.
"Look, man, I know we've had our differences, but I'm sure we can sit down for a coffee like two civilized guys." A waitress passed by. "Tall café mocha, please."
"I got nothin' to say to you."
"Hey, that's fine! I'm just sitting here, you know."
There was an awkward pause. Magnus took a swill of his cappuccino. The mug looked small against his large hands.
"I didn't think you were the cappuccino type."
"Look, I said I don't wanna talk to you."
"You don't have to," I said. "...You come here often?"
"No," he grunted.
"That's a shame. This place is fantastic. When it's not so crowded, I mean."
He glared at me between sips.
I decided to try another avenue. "Did you hear about The Lizard?"
"Dude had it comin' to him!" he barked, in spite of himself.
"You think? I thought you two worked together."
"Naw, man. We crossed paths but that's all. Everyone knew not to go near Doc Chaos, Lizard included. He knew better."
"Yeah, that's what I hear. Now you wanna talk big bounties, Chaos..." I whistled. The waitress returned with my drink. "Thanks."
"Whoever takes Chaos deserves every penny, man. There's guys like me, then there's guys like him."
"No doubt, no doubt."
"I'd pitch in if I could. Ain't no one's safe with Chaos running loose."
"You mean that? You ever consider going legit?"
He curled his lip at me again. "Hey, man. Don't start with that."
"Hey now. Think of it this way. What if you and me took down Chaos? Split the reward fifty-fifty?"
"I don't want my atoms scrambled, man. You know what's good for you, you steer clear of him too." Finishing his cappuccino, he gave his mouth a good wipe with his arm.
"I've never known what's good for me. You think I'd be in this business if I did?"
"'Sides, I don't work with your kind," Magnus growled, fishing for some cash and tossing it onto the table.
"Yeah, well, it was worth a try."
I watched him stand up. He pushed in his chair and started walking.
"Hey, Magnus?"
"Yeah."
"You're a decent guy when you're not committing crimes."
"You ain't so bad neither when you're not tryin' to bring me in."
I took a long, slow sip of my mocha. Best mocha in town. _________________
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Pepsi Ranger Reality TV Host

Joined: 05 Feb 2003 Posts: 493 Location: South Florida
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Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | I'll get around to reviewing Cannonball City ch2-3 soon, but first, here's another short story. I imagine it could work equally effectively as a chapter in a larger work. |
I'll be looking forward to that. (I'll go ahead and post Chapter 4 tomorrow night out of faith if you think you'll get to Chapter 2 by Tuesday.)
Quote: | Magnus was a large man of indeterminate ethnicity: could have easily been black as white or anything in between, but most likely he was of mixed race. His arms bulged muscle when they weren't stuffed into the ridiculous getup that passed for his costume. I'd never seen them before today -- he was wearing a tight-fitting T-shirt that bore the name of a band I'd never heard of -- but I knew the muscles were there after our various run-ins. Magnus was a beast of a man, not the kind I liked to run into unarmed. |
This paragraph could be condensed into a couple lines. The description of his ethnicity could be trimmed down to the colon, though if you wanted to attribute skin color, I'd relate it to coffee (with cream, maybe?) to keep it interesting. And the thing with the muscles needs to be reduced, preferably at the "various run-ins" comment.
Quote: | "Look. You wanna know the truth? Nobody's looking for you right now, man. Price on your head's too low." |
This is a good place to practice speaking out loud. I'd lose the "man." Rhythmically it's awkward. Dialogue-ly, it's overkill.
Same goes for the multiple instances in which the attribution follows.
(Wow, you really used it a lot.)
Addendum: Actually, I reviewed this as I read, and after having read the whole thing, I'd say don't lose the "man's" completely, as it gives them voice, but use it sporadically. As it stands, you use it in almost every line of dialogue and it's cumbersome.
Quote: | There was an awkward pause. Magnus took a swill of his cappuccino. The mug looked small against his large hands. |
I really like this line (except for the "took a swill" part, which could've just been "swilled"). It calms the tension AND has an awesome depiction of Magnus's size. Excellent.
The story as a whole's got that nice Heat angle (specifically the scene where Al Pacino and Robert De Niro share the screen at the diner). And you definitely feel the awkwardness in the beginning. The ending goes downhill for me, though. While I'm okay with them trying to be civilized, I think there are more interesting ways to accomplish it beyond:
Quote: | "I got nothin' to say to you."
"Hey, that's fine! I'm just sitting here, you know."
There was an awkward pause. Magnus took a swill of his cappuccino. The mug looked small against his large hands.
"I didn't think you were the cappuccino type." |
I don't see the main character thinking that coffee (or the diner) is a subject worth talking about with his nemesis unless you're trying to write a comedy (which I don't think you're attempting here). I'd say jump into the discussion about the Lizard, or replace coffee with guns, or even have the main character try to initiate an arm wrestling match (to keep the rivalry going in a civilized way), to which Magnus might think he's crazy. Anything's better than chitchat amongst men who would never chitchat.
Good start, nonetheless. _________________ Progress Report:
The Adventures of Powerstick Man: Extended Edition
Currently Updating: General sweep of the game world and dialogue boxes. Adding extended maps.
Tightfloss Maiden
Currently Updating: Chapter 2 |
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Moogle1 Scourge of the Seas Halloween 2006 Creativity Winner


Joined: 15 Jul 2004 Posts: 3377 Location: Seattle, WA
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Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the feedback, as always.
Pepsi Ranger wrote: | I don't see the main character thinking that coffee (or the diner) is a subject worth talking about with his nemesis unless you're trying to write a comedy (which I don't think you're attempting here). |
I think the good guy sitting down for coffee with the bad guy is an inherently humorous idea. It's the nature of the hero to snark at the bad guy. He's jerking him around a little, but the big guy isn't biting. Like you said, there's a certain awkwardness to their mutual presence here, and I think that awkwardness needs to be reflected in the form of failed conversation before they hit their stride.
Note that they're not exactly arch-nemeses, just erstwhile enemies who happen not to be on the job right now.
I agree with the rest of your assessment and have cleaned up the original slightly. _________________
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